Flashback: Auntie Fidd's Advice Column
Written by: Fiddelysquat
So the PI staff has been digging through the vaults... vaults of Google, that is. We managed to find the old PI, back before we had our first major forum crash. Since the archives made the images dead and ugly, but the text was saved, we've decided to republish instead. So here's an article you perhaps might remember- or if you're a newbie to PI, here's a taste of the past for you. :)
(You might even remember some old PPT members too!)
What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?
Although the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy claims that the answer is 42, I beg to differ. The entire universe exists to pay homage to mashed potatoes. I don't care if you think that's stupid: It isn't nearly HALF as stupid as '42'.
Dear Fidds,
Uh...Why the heck are you so cool and stuff? O_O
In fact, I'm not cool. At all. Really? REALLY really. When God deals you a hand of nurd-i-ness cards, it's completely possible to play them just right and make your nurd-i-ness seem like cool-ness. For all you lame people, sorry to say that lame-osity is an impossible hand in life to disguise.
Ok my question why did people invent viruses? -Paola
It all started with some hairy 45-year-old Linux fan named Arnoldo who lived in his mother's basement. He had a laptop, a good stock of Hostess Cupcakes, and little (or no) regard to hygiene. Clocking in at a good 45 Twinkies per hour, you'd have to admit: he was a loser.
Among his hobbies of picking flakes of dead skin off of his psoriasis, swatting flies, and the occasional burping contest, Arnoldo liked to harass people online and do programming. One day, he'd had it. He decided that *Bill Gates was to successful, rich, and skinny to live. Arnoldo made a virus, and sent it to *Microsoft.
*Bill Gates was no dummy, and he decided that the best thing to do with this e-mail was to use it to destroy the computers of every moron on the net. He labeled it "101 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator" and forwarded it to any hotmail user that had the word 'princess', 'dude', 'sk8er', or 'gurlie' in their screen name.
Due to the nature of the recipients, the virus quickly spread. Soon thereafter, many copy cats surfaced, and the virus became the dreaded enemy of many a computer dork.
THE END.
Can I ask you a question?
You just did. NEXT!
Why the hell do I always feel ignored?
Because you're hanging out with people who all crave to be the center of attention. Well, take heart. You aren't being ignored now. Hundreds of people are reading your question and paying attention to you. Yes, YOU. Here is a plaque, a medal, and a complimentary bag of peanuts.
What is the purpose in all this question asking?
Gee, I dunno, but you sure seem to considering that you JUST ASKED ME ONE.
What's the best thing to do to make my girlfriend feel better when she's down (after all else fails)?
If she's feeling down, the absolute BEST thing to do is get her one of those sappy Hallmark cards. Girls go nuts over cards. As a safety precaution, you might want to get some chocolate. If you're broke, you could always just call her out of the blue and say you were thinking about her. We're total suckers for that stuff, and nothing makes a girl feel better then knowing that her guy was thinking about her. Except maybe pizza, but that's one formidable opponent to take head-on.
Dear Auntie Fidds, will people stare at my house if I paint the four sides different neon colors? -Uncolor coordinated
Mayhap they would, depending on your neighborhood. If you want REALLY great results, open the largest window in your house and buy a cardboard cutout of Jessica Rabbit's bare back. You'll get ALOT of stares that way, and people will be less likely to TP your house.
Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?
To get away from all the incredibly crappy jokes.
True Or False: Asparagus is the food of the Gods!
False. It's the Food of the Neotards.
Does Jelly World exist?
In fact, it doe-
*Two tall men in black suits and sunglasses enter the room*
"I'm afraid you'll have to come with us, ma'am."
Dear Fidds,
It seems lately that my younger brother gets his way because he's a whining-booger-head. An example would be, today at the mall when he began crying because he wanted shoes. Why, my dear mummy would have purchased them for him and he just told her which freakin' shoes he wanted! He just stood there and said "I want the ones to the left of *Sally's shoes and up one!¦ This would have been amazingly great proof as to which shoes he wanted had they not all looked the same and thus there was no way to tell which one's were my (*Sally) shoes. Thus, he began crying since he wouldn't show her which freakin' shoes he wanted. Therefore, he ran out of the store and hid behind the bushes in the large pots. I was kind enough to allow him to come with mummy dear and I to the mall on what was supposed to be MY day at the mall and he ended up ruining it for me due to his eruptive temper. When I try and tell my mom this, she defends my brother even though he was the one who kicked her in the shin after his temper tantrum. How can I let my mummy dear know that I feel judged by a double standard to my brother?
Sincerely,
*Sally
Instead of approaching the situation by saying, "He's such a brat! Punish him!" tell her that you're worried about him. Explain to her that his behavior is not appropriate for his age, and that you're worried he'll grow up to be an unpleasant person. Then, enlist her help in trying to show him the correct way to behave. Do not whine, complain, or accuse your mother of spoiling him. Parents can be extremely stupid when it comes to their children.
Dear Fidds,
Is it acceptable to run over one of those freaks who mow their lawns in their underwear with their own lawnmower? Or should I use mine? -Annoyed with Snits Who Can't Just Put on a Pair of Pants!
A far more effective way of convincing your pant-less neighbors that clothing is a must this Century, gather around 20 of your fellow townspeople and line up along his driveway, catcalling at him. See if you can squeeze the phrase, "OOH YEAH, BABY! I WANNA PIECE OF *THAT*!" in there somewhere. This is most effective if you're talking about an overweight 98-year-old man.
Dear Fidds,
I recently heard about a job opening at a historical site near here. Apparently, they're looking for someone to live in a cave and scare people out. What does one put on one's application for such a job?
-I Wanna Be a Hermit
Sorry, kiddo. I sent in my application last week, and I'm not about to fraternize with the competition.
Maybe you just smell bad, or it's just the fact that you put everything in HTML tags. Either that, or you like watching the Fishing Channel.
If all Zings are Zoodles and some Zings wear socks with polka-dots, what do Zall with with caps wear? - Niten Hitroru
Mittens, that, conveniently enough, are made out of your freeze-dried intestines.
* Indicates names have been changed to prevent embarrassment.