Heavenly Horoscopes

Written by: Nessa

Aries - Take care to avoid stepping on a toad when Pluto switches positions with Mars, or else your prince might turn into a antelope. You will be lucky in love if you can name all the Carebears in two minutes without making a mistake.

Taurus - A wizard will visit you on the 17'th - avoid mentioning his facial hair or lack thereof, or he will turn you into a sauerkraut loving truckdriver. You will be rolling in the moneys if you can stand on one foot for six days straight.

Gemini - Your twin will try to steal your marshmallow peeps while Jupiter does the tango with Saturn. Avoid stabbing his hand with a fork though; the spork has +4 damage while the fork only has +2. In order to get ahead in your current job, stop spitting in your boss’s coffee.

Cancer - Your love of tools will get you in trouble after a late night visit to Peggy Sues' Jumbo Hammer Shack. Avoid putting any weight on your left little toe for a few months until the swelling goes down. As soon as Neptune's pirates stop looting Uranus your luck will greatly increase.

Leo - On the 30th of this month you will find the end of a rainbow! But instead of a pot of gold, you only get one wish. Apparently leprechauns have been broke since the mid 80’s and have been using wishes as a type of currency. Unfortunately, the wish is only good at 12:12 on the day you were born, and your memory hasn't been the same since you were hit in the head with that falling anvil. You'll have bad luck on the 26th if you don't run to the market for that rye bread your mother is craving, well, bad luck meaning you'll have to deal with a rye craving mother!

Virgo - While out on a cruise, a dolphin will ask you for help. Everyone will think you're crazy, and you yourself will doubt your sanity when the dolphin begs you for a double cheeseburger with extra pickles. But you won't regret listening to Mr. Dasanipper when he rewards with a metric ton of plankton! Mmmmm!! You will gain 10 cool points if you give a hobo a pb&j sandwich when he asks you what time it is.

Libra - Try to avoid playing whack-a-mole too much while the Earth is spinning around the moon; reflexes will cause you to smash the bread back in the toaster when it pops up, ruining precious toast and burning your hand in the process! You'll be very happy to hear that you won 23 million dollars from a bank clear-out in Nigeria; however, you'll have to sign a contract in blood giving away your bank account and your first, second, third, and fourth born children.

Scorpio - Be careful getting out of bed on the 19th; a nest of scorpions have been plotting against you and will attack at dawn if not properly bought off. If Mars continues to step out on Jupiter your trip to Antartica may be delayed by 60 years.

Sagittarius - You may have to bribe the ninjas more this month to keep them away from your Transformer collection; it seems they spent too much of their ninja money stash on 90’s pop CDs. Dreams may get more disturbing if you refuse to take the waitress from Edweiner's diner out for a cup of jello.

Capricorn - Stop avoiding your homework- this is a bribed advertisement brought to you by moms everywhere. Your chances of getting butterscotch pudding after dinner will greatly increase along with your ability to watch TV and use the computer, if you complete that history essay you've been putting off for six weeks.

Aquarius - While away on a six month tour of the Sahara Desert, the Easter bunny will spread rumors that you've run away to fight the oppressive hippos of southeast Krawayistan. As the sun practices its belly dancing, the moon will run away, bringing those you left behind to throw a parade. Beware the ticker-tape - high speed papercuts may be in your future.

Pisces - Your love of lip-gloss may save the world if you stand in the right spot at the right time tomorrow. The sun's reflection bouncing off the thousands of pieces of multicolored glitter will send peace signals to the aliens in orbit, who are ironically seconds away from destroying the world to make room for an interstellar car park of lurve.

Nessa has mystic powers beyond normal comprehension. Got a question about the stars? PM her on the forums!

Matterbug edits the same way he eats his dinner, with a knife and fork!