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.:Requiem:.
PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 4:41 pm 
Beyond Godly
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Umm...yeah. So, here it is.

Tranquility, beauty
In lithe, graceful form
In the glow of the moon
And the seas pearly foam

When the sun dips from sight
And the water is still
Comes the dance of the ocean
Soft and surreal

Soft strands of moonlight
And deep water’s shine
Are woven together
By creatures divine

But as moon touches water
Sinking slowly below
As the night’s dark is broken
By the harsh sun’s glow

The creatures retreat
Far away from the light
In the depths of the sea
Ends the Peophins’ night


Comments? Criticism?

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Eo
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 7:23 pm 
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:o Awesomeness! It makes me think of my Peophin, Eliana19. I love the rhymy poems, the ones that have neither meter nor rhyme in particular usually hurt my brain. *hugs* Been so long since I saw other people do rhyming poems.

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MyleneFarmer
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 8:55 pm 
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That poem is so beautiful. I'm not a big fan of poetry, but that was very enjoyable to read. I loved the flow and rhyme of it. I cannot think of a single that I think needs improvement, it's lovely as it is.
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Eskimo
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 11:09 pm 
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Nice, very moving.

I could just picture you are a peotry club reciting that. I would give you double snaps. *snaps*

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Bangel
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 11:17 pm 
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"When the sun dips from sight
And the water is still
Comes the dance of the ocean
Soft and surreal"

My main nitpick with the poem is that verse- you seem to be going for rhymes, and 'still' and 'surreal' do not rhyme. There's nothing wrong with a poem not rhyming, but if all the verses except one rhyme, it looks pretty sloppy.

It's pretty nice, though.

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.:Requiem:.
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 1:36 am 
Beyond Godly
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Bangel wrote:
"When the sun dips from sight
And the water is still
Comes the dance of the ocean
Soft and surreal"

My main nitpick with the poem is that verse- you seem to be going for rhymes, and 'still' and 'surreal' do not rhyme. There's nothing wrong with a poem not rhyming, but if all the verses except one rhyme, it looks pretty sloppy.

It's pretty nice, though.


:hug:

I was really surprised that people commented on the rhyminess of it.

My entire goal for the poem was to be Emily Dickinson-ish and use words that almost rhyme but not quite. Good to know I succeeded at least once!

EDIT: Hmm...kept it ok on the first two stanzas, but it loks like a dirfted off into poetry land after that and accidentally used full rhymes. Meh.

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.:Requiem:.
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 9:30 pm 
Beyond Godly
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:cry: IT didn't get in...

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