Pink Poogle Toy Forum

Well, alot of my friends think this poem is good but I wanted an outsiders opinion on my first poem.I wrote this about a friend of my and the ordeal I've gone through with him in the past year.Please tell me whatever you think and any pointers would be great.

Love Through Lies

I lay in bed
thinking about the day
with all these thoughts in my head
I jut want to fly away

I close my eyes
humming and singing to myself
just to cover up the lies
that still stand before my eyes

I stare down at my chest
my heart beats on
as I dream of what was best
when all hope seems to be gone

I remember those days of pain
always seeing you with her
slowy driving me insane
for each look I took at you,
you'd only look at her

Listening to the lies
I can hear a voice come through
speaking only in disguise
it whispered 'I love you'

...and thats it!Thanks for any comments.

I really like it, though it reminds me more of emo lyrics than a poem. Here is a suggestion for you, a self-proclaimed beginner: use a template. Go onto a website that explains the different poetic forms. Start by trying to just write in Iambic meter, be it pentameter or anything else. This will really open you up to the other forms of poetry, such as what you tried there, free verse.

I am truely in love with this. Having written a poem that is now in a contest for $10,000 dollars, I believe you have material. I do believe that with more work, this poem could be turned into a song. It's still very nice...Would you mind if I took it and, say, editted it a bit to make a song? I'd certainly make it copyrighted to you if I were to show anyone. If you say no, I really don't mind- being a writer, I'm extremely sensitive about my work. Still, this poem is amazing- ESPECIALLY for the first you've ever written.

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This one seemed slightly off, but maybe it's because all of the others are four, and this one is five. It's free verse, though, so I'm sure it's fine^_^ I just couldn't figure out why I was kinda confused about it, hehe.

Great poem!! I really like it!^^* Don't have any other C&C^_^

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Grammar nitpick:

Since this is all present tense, it should be I lie in bed.

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hiddenneggs / Will
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"But then again, i think the main reason people invented civilization was to get together and complain about the wild animals eating them." --mousapelli

It's good, but try to keep it within a certain rhythm, I mean, think of it as: 1...2...3...4...1...2...3...4. Do that for each line and it would flow even more smoothly.