Advice

Written by: Anonymous

Hello, everybody, I'm PI's new advice giver. You won't be learning who I am for a while (sorry, I really don't think now is a good time to give you a reason to run after me with flaming torches), but I can assure you you'll learn someday.

Need some advice? I'd love to help you out. Just send me an email at yellowavril@hotmail.com or post on the thread in Misc. Discussion. All questions I get will be answered - I'll try to do about fifteen questions each week, but that could vary. Onto advice giving. Wait - before I do that, I'd like you to know that I'd really appreciate your feedback on my advice giving. Please send me an email at the above address and tell me what you think.

1. Why is the sky pink?

It's quite a long story, actually. SOMEBODY in the PI staff (*sideways look*) broke into the ink supply and randomly started flinging pink ink everywhere. It was treacherous, really. As I've found out, it's turned pink by dye, not mould. Random children on the street have been commenting on my early "Halloween" costume. As to how the sky turned pink, all those clouds decided they liked the color and stole it for themselves. The PI staff is now researching if that counts as copyright infringement.

2. Why am I hated by most of my classmates?

Ah, classroom hatred. I despise it so. I would say that the reason people "hate" you is probably because you might not be like the rest of them. There could be many reasons to this, but I'd say that's the most common unpreventable reason. My suggestion is to just deal with it. Eventually the little brats will grow up and realize everyone has individuality, and you just jumped on the bandwagon first. If people tease you, ignore them or tell a teacher. Or maybe try to calm the "hatred" by being extra-specially nice to the people who appear to hate you- you can never have too many friends.

3. Whyeee... did'n... Sanna Claus... weave me a pwesent unner da' twee dis 'ear?

Oh, he did, my dear. But it happened to be a nice and shiny bottle of pink ink, and well... (*hides pinkish bottle behind back*)

4. Why do I have fungus growing on every other toe?

Well, did you happen to not wash every other toe?

5. Why does Sapphy__faerie think I live in the North? What's the truth? I NEED GUIDANCE.

You might need professional help for this one, buddy.

6. My friends forgot my birthday (They remembered but forgot. Complicated story.) and only 3 out of 8 gave me presents. Now, I'm not the one to demand them to get me a present but it seems none of them are planning to give me one. One said that she won't because I'm not having a party. However, I know for a fact they'll give a present to one of my other friends who is not going to throw a party. I don't know if I should be mad out loud as in be rude to them and make them buy me a gift or just to shrug it off. They have been my friends for three years and it really hurts me that they won't buy me a gift because I'm not throwing a party. Any advice?

I'm so sorry. I really, truly, sincerely am. For the friend who is not giving you a present, but is giving another person a present - I think you should sit her down and remind her of this. Explain to her how it makes you feel - I'm sure she'll understand. And if not, well, she wasn't worth your time, anyway. As for the others, there could be tons of different reasons as to why they didn't buy you a gift. Being short on cash is my guess as to the biggest cause. My only suggestion for that is to always buy gifts for the people who didn't buy gifts for you - maybe they'll return the favor in the end.

7. Why can nobody tell whether I'm angry or happy from my writing unless I use lots of smilies?

Well, most people on the Internet just come to play for fun, and to relax a bit. A lot of them don't put lots of time into considering what they're reading and just skim over details that show what you're feeling. Not everyone is like that, however, but there are a fair few.

8. Why is it my curtains taste like chocolate covered caramel?

Sorry for asking, but why the heck are you tasting your curtains?

9. Why do people prefer leopard spots over cheetah spots when they are extremely similar?

Personally, I think it's the influence of the clothing industry. You find more leopard patterned labelled clothing than cheetah patterned labelled clothing, and everyone wants to be "hip" and follow the wave of the clothing industries, so more people appear to prefer leopard print simply because it's more common.

10. How come I cannot come up with witty quotes?

Not everyone in the world is meant to be funny. No, that isn't a bad thing. If we never had any serious people in the world, we'd have one whacked up government. There's nothing wrong with being funny, either - but for our world to work out as planned, we need an equal balance. Maybe you're just on the serious side of the balance.

11. Why is Jim such a meanie to me?

Jim? Mean? You must be kidding me...

...I am such a suck-up.

12. Why does the equation Jim - Mexican food = time hold true?

Stop it; you're hurting my small brain. Well, Jim without any Mexican food can give Jim more free time because he doesn't have to eat all the Mexican food.

I'm an idiot, aren't I?

13. Why are all the members of this forum nuts over curtains?

Just the question I was about to ask you, dear.

14. Why couldn't I have been more generous at the store and buy an extra box of chocolates to send to Alex all the way in Australia to end her horrible chocolate craving? Why, I ask you! Why?!?

Because you're a terrible, terrible person.

Nah, I'm kidding. If you didn't get that already. Maybe you didn't know she was having a chocolate craving. It's surely not your fault. Let's all blame Alex for choosing to have a craving at the wrong time. (Alex: Oi! No blaming the editor!)

15. How many times do I say "Das Crazy!" for it to become my official catchphrase?

It really depends on your personal preference. Some people are happy with just making it their catchphrase without even saying it. Some people make themselves say the phrase ten million times before proclaiming it their catchphrase. It really depends on you and what satisfies you.

***

Well, there you have it - my first article. Again, I would really appreciate feedback. All comments and personal questions go to yellowavril@hotmail.com, please. DO NOT send questions to Caesara. She is not the advice giver. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my article.

Sincerely,
HAH! You thought you were going to get it out of me that time, didn't you?

Yeah. Anyway.

~Anonymous