Pinkopolis: Moonlight Madness
Written by: Pudding
“Profits are up this year on our line of Kym-brand spatulas and protein shakes, but the rest of you haven’t been pulling your weight in merchandising,” said Caesara, the CEO of The League of Ultra Mega Super Justice Associates. She gestured at a large pie chart.
Pudding was, predictably, only half-listening to the report, focusing more on her searches for superhero-related incidents. As sweet as the freebies were at The League of Ultra Mega Super Justice Associates, it was a constant struggle to keep the public from storming their offices in Kym’s Invisible Superhero Village. Normal clients couldn’t start wildfires by thinking about them or...cause a tidal wave.
She checked and rechecked reports. Yep, baffled meteorologists, no supervillains claiming responsibility--this was definitely a superhero’s accident. It was still out at sea, so the Pinkopolis might possibly be saved.
“Hate to interrupt, but which one of you controls the seas, again?” Pudding asked.
“I am not going to parley with the Dolphin King about opening up trade with Atlantis again. I don’t care what the sales projections are for our merchandise; it’s not worth the aggravation. He insulted my costume and set an anemone on me last time!” said Paul.
“This isn’t about the Dolphin King’s cattiness, for once. A tidal wave is about to destroy the Pinkopolis, and it has all the signs of a superhero accident,” said Pudding.
“Wasn’t me,” chorused the boardroom.
“When did the boardroom learn to talk?” asked Paul
“I taught the boardroom to talk, but I had nothing to do with the tidal wave!” said WIS. “Don’t try to place the blame on me.”
“I’m not trying to blame anyone. I just want to find out what’s going on so that I can get some damage control going in the media and you guys can control the physical damage,” said Pudding.
Meanwhile, Kym was reading threads in Miscellaneous Discussion, as usual. Apparently a 15 year-old had performed surgery, Moongewl had changed her name and gained all the powers of the moon through eldritch magic, and archaeologists had found Hatshepsut.
“This EvilMoon character...she’s Moongewl, but evil, right?” asked Kym.
“I would assume so,” said Inrun distractedly.
Pudding threw up her hands. “I’ve got nothing.”
“Have you tried searching the news sites?” asked ScottNak.
“That’s how I found out about this in the first place,” said Pudding.
Just then, the magical video phone rang. Mayor Shelley, a turtle who had seized power in Pinkopolis through a questionable coup, was on the line. “Hello, Ultra Mega Super Justice Associates!”
“Hi, Mayor Shelley!” said the boardroom. It was really disturbing how it kept talking.
Mayor Shelley did not take any notice of the fact that none of the humans in the room were paying much attention. “Well, I’m sure that the League of Ultra Mega Super Justice Associates has figured this out by now. Just don’t underestimate EvilMoon. She’s like the moon, but evil! Go save the day. Bye!”
“What she said,” said Pudding.
“That’s not so bad, is it? I mean, it’s not like we’re werewolves,” said WIS
“That’s what a werewolf would say!” said Inrun.
“I’m not a werewolf!” WIS looked offended. “I’ve done all sorts of things for the cause of the innocent, like that time I’m going to fix the time machine so that we won’t already have become pawns of the alien oppressors in the future! Back me up here, Scott!”
“No werewolves here, since Werepup is out wandering the moors,” said ScottNak.
“Can we forget about werewolves for a moment and focus on the threat at hand? Think about what the moon does! It affects the tides, and baby sea turtles use it to figure out which way to go to get to the ocean. If EvilMoon can harness those powers, then we’re in serious danger,” said Kym.
With that, the Superheroics and Superlogistics Department left to track EvilMoon. Pudding and Caesara stayed behind to develop merchandise to commemorate the defeat of EvilMoon. The T-shirts are particularly spiffy, and available from The League of Ultra Mega Super Justice Associates Official Store for only $19.95!
The corporate team was well into the development of marketing plans by the time our heroes found EvilMoon at the Creaky Docks. She was eating saltwater taffy and being generally suspicious.
“Surrender, EvilMoon!” said ScottNak.
She shrugged. “I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you.”
“Then it shall be a battle,” said Kym.
The words were barely out of his mouth when baby sea turtles began emerging from their nests, digging their way out of the sand. They walked fast for adorable baby turtles, but our heroes didn’t realize that until it was too late.
“Look at how green they are!” said Scott.
“Awwww!”
“They’re so tiny!”
Inrun started to pull out her sketchpad to draw the tiny adorable little sea turtles.
Unfortunately, it was at that point that the cute widdle sea turtles turned into adorable soldiers of evil. Under the Pinkopolis Endangered Species Act of 1052, you’re pretty much required to let sea turtles eat you if they feel like it. This was an unfortunate side effect of the Reptile Revolution.
Our heroes, aware of this after Mayor Shelley gave them the commendation for liberating a box turtle from the pet store, did not fight back. They were bitten a lot. At least it wasn’t by the County Clerk--there’s no antivenom for that guy.
“Muahahahahahahahahahaha! Soon my tidal wave will hit, and you’ll be too busy getting tetanus shots to stop it!” said EvilMoon, on the maniacal side.
Extinction can strike at any time, much like an attack from adorable baby sea turtles.
Please, before it’s too late, do something or other about the adorable endangered baby sea turtles. Otherwise, there may never be a superhero massacre this cute again.
This message paid for by the League of Ultra Mega Super Justice Associates, at the suggestion of their law firm, the Law Team!
Back at headquarters, the mood was somber.
“The tidal wave is due in a few short hours. There goes the capital that we put into acquiring that beachfront property,” said Caesara sadly. “There shall never be a second Kym’s Invisible Superhero Village now.”
“Nooooo,” said the boardroom. It really wanted a new table, and Caesara had promised it one following the sale of 50% of the condo properties if it would just stop talking while she was trying to make presentations.
“And we won't be able to sell all of that commemorative merchandise you made,” said Paul.
“Noooo,” said everyone in the boardroom, except the boardroom. There had been promises made regarding Super Pizza Parties upon meeting sales quotas.
Pudding sighed. “Well, at least I don’t have to write a press release explaining why y’all beat up adorable baby turtles.”
“Maybe we could take up marine biology instead of superheroing,” suggested Inrun. “Those turtles were adorable.”
Kym looked around the room, incredulous. “You want to give up now? Did we give up when Wickednessa built that giant robo-toaster and destroyed most of Farmer Jenkins’ crops?”
“Well, yes. We pawned it off on you since none of us wanted to get scorched by it again,” said Inrun.
“EvilMoon is our nemesis this week! We can’t let her win it all!” said Kym, still trying to rally the league. “There must be some way to defeat her that we’re not realizing yet!”
Pudding sighed. “I suppose I should admit that I knew EvilMoon when we were kids...before she stole my tacos and became evil.”
“So she’s your nemesis?” asked ScottNak.
“We’ll gladly step aside and let you fight her if you feel that it’s your battle,” said WIS graciously.
“No thanks, I’ve got to stay here and work on the press release detailing this battle. Try to work in the phrase, ‘I’m fighting you for the sake of the little children and fluffy animals,’ at some point,” said Pudding, typing furiously. “It’ll appeal to our key demographic.”
“Good thinking,” said Caesara. “Our numbers have been falling relative to cute little turtles with women 18-34, and this will help.”
“Well...do you have any advice so that we don’t get mauled by adorable endangered baby sea turtles again?” asked Paul.
“Oh, yeah, thought I told you already. She has but one weakness: chat speak...oh, and eclipses.”
“So we shall have to do battle with my weapon of choice. EvilMoon has no idea what she’s in for with my deadly barrage of chatspeak,” said Kym.
“You could just stand in front of her. She’s fairly small,” Paul pointed out reasonably.
“We shall do battle with my weapon of choice!” insisted Kym.
ScottNak mimed that he’d stand in front of EvilMoon if things took a turn for the worse. That seemed to satisfy everyone, so once again, they tracked EvilMoon to the Creaky Docks. It is not clear whether she’d actually moved from the last battle.
“I’m fighting you for the sake of the fluffy children and the little animals!” cried WIS.
“Okay, then,” EvilMoon said lazily.
Kym attacked. “LOL! ROFL! ILCC!”
“Aaaaaaaaaah!”
He then proceeded to make some grammatical errors that are simply unprintable in a reputable journal of opinion like Pink Ink. EvilMoon fled to Australia to get away from the barrage of spelling mistakes. She is currently believed to be living with a bunch of wallabies.
And so the day was saved, except for that whole tidal wave situation. Presumably they did something about that later, but it was boring and got cut. Just picture interesting magic powerful enough to stop a tidal wave; it’s not what happened, but it’s a better ending.
The League of Ultra Mega Super Justice Associates got to sell their commemorative merchandise, and that’s what really matters.
NEXT: Government contracts! Low bids! Also, some sort of villain!
Pudding thinks sea turtles are adorable, and that has nothing to do with brainwashing.
Moongewl is hatching another secret plan as we speak. Or terrorizing wallabies. (And she stole part of Kym's map to make an icon.)
Fiddelysquat is an artistic hero.
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