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This is Not Spinal Tap

Written by: Skynetmain

Hello again! I feel like doing one of these at the introduction of each episode so you'll have to bear with me on that. This episode really should have been the first one. It is set about a year before the last episode I shared. It also does a better job of introducing the characters. Fortunately, it is shorter and closer to the mode length of my stories. It should be done in about three parts.

In this episode, Teph is doing a school project where she records her home life and interviews her housemates a little. You get to a little into each of the characters' personalities. Hope you like it!

Teph is sitting cross-legged in the middle of the Dojo’s main room. She is facing the camera.

Teph: Ready.

Kyoro: From behind the camera. Yes.

Teph: If you are watching this, then Rika found out about this project and killed me. Laughs. Seriously, this is for my film class at school. We were assigned to film normal life at home. To me, normal is having breakfast with Greek gods, lunch with Roman gods, and dinner with Nordic gods. Since none of them would allow me to film them, aside from me being banned from that dimension, I decided to film my life here at the dojo with Aerith and Rika and all of our friends. I have asked my friends to film this for me since I am not skilled with the camera and want to be in every shot.

Kyoro: From behind the camera. She means that she dropped the camera three times, and it has a dent.

Teph: Hey! That is not true. It slipped from my fingers those three times. Gets up and goes to the camera. Give me that.

Kyoro: From behind the camera. Fine, but be careful.

Teph: I will.

The camera falls to the floor and goes to static.


Teph is premiering the finished product before showing to her class. All the Dojo’s residents are watching.

On screen: ~Teph: I will.

The camera falls to the floor and goes to static.~

Kyoro: Make that four.

Teph: It slipped.

The camera comes on facing Teph again. It is in her room. The room is surprisingly clean.

Ayu: From behind the camera. Am I doing this correct?

Teph: You’re doing fine. Gestures with her arms. This is my room. I share it with another girl, but she rarely stays long. Over here, the camera follows Teph to the right, I have a collection of statues that were carved for the god Apollo. This one, holds up a statuette of a radiant man in a chariot, is my favorite. It is of Apollo leading Sol across the heavens. He gave this to me for my third birthday, and I...

Suddenly, the door slides open. The camera turns to show Rena walk in. She tosses her hat to one side.

Rena: Man, I’m tired.

Teph: Uh...

Rena: Is the bath empty? Starts removing her outer robes. I really need to wash. Holds her robe toward Teph. Smell that. Is that the smell of hard work or what?

Teph: Points to the camera. Rena freezes. Turns to the camera. Uh, this is my roommate, Rena. She travels a lot and is a hard worker.

Rena: Hi! I am Rena! Dao priestess and Shaolin master! It is an honor to meet you, all, watching this...

Rena motions with her head, and she and Teph step outside. They do not notice the camera following them.

Rena: What is this?

Teph: It is for class. I did not think you would be back.

Rena: Will you be filming everything?

Teph: No, only the good stuff.

Rena: She is about to say something but notices the camera. Turn that off.

Ayu: From behind the camera. Okay.

The camera does not go off. Ayu hands the camera to Teph. The camera gets a good shot of the backyard. Ayu joins Rika who is watering the garden.

Rena: From behind the camera. I do not like to be filmed, got that.

Ayu goes over to a flower bed and starts looking at the flowers.

Teph: From behind the camera. That is fine. I will warn you before I film, but I do want you to at least speak. It is part of my assignment to get an interview with all of the people in my house.

Rika goes over next to Ayu and starts watering the flowers.

Rena: From behind the camera. Only one interview?

Ayu stands up and goes to and goes to another part of the garden. As soon as Ayu’s back is turned, Rika sprays her with the hose.

Teph: From behind the camera. Only one. I will make it short. Okay.

Ayu turns toward Rika and starts charging a magic spell. Rika points at the camera. Ayu notices the ‘record’ light still on and goes over to Teph. The camera is quickly turned off.


At the premiere.

Rena: I can’t believe you left that in.

Teph: I forgot to edit that out, sorry.

Teph is back in her room. Rena has left her half of the room in a big mess. Teph is holding her sword.

Teph: Back to my interview. Holds up the sword. This sword has been in the family since my ancestor Sigurd. He was a Germanic hero from over a thousand years ago. I feel as though I lived up to my German heritage, and my great tan is evidence of my Greek-ness.

Ayu: From behind the camera. Is Greek-ness a word?

Teph: It is now.

Ayu: From behind the camera. Are you sure you didn’t mean to say greatness?

Teph: I meant Greek, but great is fine too. Now let me show you what this sword can do.


Teph is outside. Her sword is drawn, and she is in a fighting stance. Rika is a few meters away next to a pile of wood. Kyoro and Suratae are watching.

Teph: This is my usual training. It heightens hand-eye coordination and sword speed. To Rika. Ready!

Rika throws a block of wood at Teph. Teph slices the block in two.

Teph: This looks easy, but, slices another block in two, it takes a lot of skill to, slices another block in two, catch the blocks in time.

Teph slices two blocks at once. A third passes her sword and hits her in the head knocking her out. Everyone rushes to help her. The camera shows a large bump on Teph’s head. Rika waves her hand over the bump and it disappears.

Teph: To camera. Cut.

The shot goes black.

Nighttime. The shot is on a door.

Teph: From behind the camera. After a long day, everyone likes to relax in the Dojo’s bathhouse. I asked everyone to leave so you get a free tour.

Teph opens the door and steps in. The bathhouse is empty. The tub is filling. Teph takes a few more steps and the camera goes flying. It lands in the tub and floats for a second.

Teph: Where’d that soap come from?

The camera sinks and goes to static.


At the Premiere.

Kyoro: Five.

Nighttime. The shot is on the reflecting pond. It is lit up beautifully.

Teph: From behind the camera. You might notice that this room is very bright. It is designed to reflect all the light that enters so that the room is always lit. It gets a little annoying at night and a little hot during the day, but it is still the best place to sit and think.

Teph starts walking toward the pond.

Teph: From behind the camera. You see all the rocks are polished so that... the camera goes flying, whoops. A splash is heard.

The camera lands on the roof. The shot shows Teph in her sleep wear climbing out of the pond.

Teph: Where’d the camera go?

Aerith: From behind the camera. This thing won’t stay in her hand even if it was welded in place.

The shot goes black.


At the premiere.

Kyoro: Six.

Teph: I wondered where that got to.

Teph is in her room. She is wringing out her shirt. Her back is to the camera. She senses someone behind her. She peeks over her shoulder. She screams and dives under her bed. She is trying to put her shirt back on.

Rena: From behind the camera. Not so funny when you don’t know it is coming.

Teph: From under the covers. It was an accident earlier. You’re just being mean.

Rena: From behind the camera. That may be so, but revenge is revenge.

The shot goes black.

Morning. Teph is laying in bed. The covers a strewn around the room. She is barely covered and drooling on her pillow. The shot lowers so that Teph is barely seen.

Rena: From behind the camera. A little extra revenge.

There is the sound of a door closing. Teph rolls over and starts drooling on the other side of her pillow. The door opens again.

Mariko: From behind the camera. Miss Teph. It is time to get up.

Teph: Nein, wegkommen.

Mariko: From behind the camera. Now.

Teph: Nein!

Mariko walks over to Teph and pulls her covers off. Mariko picks Teph up by her shirt’s collar and stands her up.

Mariko: You will get dressed now or I will dress you myself.

Teph: Ja, ja.

Mariko leaves and closes the door. Teph starts taking off her shirt then stops. She puts the shirt back on and looks at the camera.

Teph: Damn it, Rena!

The shot quickly goes black.


At the premiere.

Suratae: You left that in, too?

Rika: I bet she forgot how to edit.

Aerith: And lost the instructions.

Teph: Very red. So!

The camera is moving toward a door. Teph opens the door. Everyone is gathered around a table eating breakfast. The kids are in their school uniforms. Rika is sleeping with Kitsune in her lap.

Teph: From behind the camera. Breakfast is usually the quietest meal of the day. It is the only time of the day when Rika, Aerith, Selina, or any combination of the three are not eating. Those meals don’t last long.

Suratae and Wu Fei start fighting over a plate of sausage. Kyoro is eating a bowl of cereal. Rika starts leaning forward. She hits the table and literally gets egg on her face. Teph starts laughing at Rika, the camera wobbles and falls.


At the premiere.

Kyoro: Seven.


The camera lands in a vat of yogurt.

Aerith: From behind the camera. I’m starved. Mmm... yogurt..

Teph: From behind the camera. Wait, Aerith!

The shot goes black.


At the premiere.

Aerith: Why didn’t you tell me I almost ate the camera?

Aerith: ~I did.~

Rika is sitting the back of a transport. Aaron is driving the kids to school.

Rika: What do you want me to say?

Teph: From behind the camera. Just tell us a little about yourself.

Rika: Well, I am Rika Nohnaka. I am fourteen. My birthday is October Thirty-first. Creepy, ne? I have a twin brother, Jorden, but all of you knew that. Uh...

Teph: From behind the camera. Just say anything that comes to mind.

Rika: Okay... My favorite food is pineapple. Favorite color is blue, like my hair. I love being in the HMCF, but most of the time it hurts. Oh! If elected class president I will rid this school of corruption and have more free pizza days.

Suratae: Turns to face Rika. They already elected you.

Rika: I know, but it is never too late to expand my platform.

The camera is focused on a school. Other kids with cameras are seen walking by. Teph starts walking forward, slowly.

Teph: From behind the camera. I have heard a lot: Mos Eisley, Frankfort, New Orleans, and, yes, even San Francisco High School. But most of those are wrong. New Orleans is the only hive of scum and villainy. The camera shakes. Eww, zombies. Anyway. This is my school. It is obvious that I am not the only one filming my school. Whoops.. Falls into a bush.


At the premiere.

On the screen: Kyoro walks by.

Kyoro: On screen and in the room. Eight.


Rika helps Teph out of the bush. Teph has her back to the camera. There is a giant bug on her back.

Teph: Thanks

Rika: No prob.

Suratae walks by. She stops and runs away screaming. Teph notices the bug and tries shaking it off. Rika calmly reaches out and picks the bug off Teph. It appears like the bug bows to Rika, and it flies away. Teph picks up the camera, and the shot goes black.

Skynetmain likes playing with video cameras and has been known to turn it up to 11 on occasion.

Nessa edited this in between waking up and and buttering toast.

If you have any comments or suggestions about this article you are more then welcome to PM or email the author.