Why the Penguins Left the North Pole

Written by: Pudding

Back in 1955, things were really different. Based on my exhaustive research, which consisted of asking my dad about stuff and watching old TV shows, I've learned that penguins fly and live at the North Pole with the elves, the world was in black and white, Lucy couldn't be in the show, and the Twilight Zone's twists weren't completely obvious to the casual viewer.

Things have changed. The world was colorized at some point in the 1960's, to the delight of hippies everywhere. Lucille Ball became a big star--getting a starring role in The Lucy Show, proving that she could indeed carry a show. I still don't believe that the Twilight Zone was ever surprising; my dad was probably just making stuff up there. Still, this penguin thing sounded plausible. I did the only thing I could do: I went to the mall and interviewed Santa Claus.

Me: Hi Santa! I've got some stuff I want to ask you about!

Santa: Not you again. Have you come to give me more of those horrendous healthy cookies?

(Note: I briefly worked as an associate mall elf/gift wrap minion in late 2004. I bothered Santa quite a bit during that time. Then I got bored and quit. To be fair, I didn't know at the time that Santa got his magic through a complex process involving the synthesis of wheat flour, refined sugar, butter, and chocolate chips. I wouldn't have given him the rice-flour based cookies otherwise. And they're not horrendous.)

Me: Santa, why did the penguins leave the North Pole?

Santa: We don't talk about that. Aren't there any small consumer goods that you want? Or a pony or something?

Me: Nah, not really. I don't have space for a pony, and I don't really want any stuff. You can make a donation to charity in my name, though. Anyway, penguins. What happened to them?

Santa: Regardless of what you may have heard, they never pulled the sleigh. Forget about it, it's just an urban myth.

Me: Who said they pulled the sleigh?

Santa: No one.

Me: No, you did.

Santa: No, I quite specifically said that they did not.

Me: Which is kind of suspicious, don't you think?

Santa: Can I see the next good little boy or girl in line?

Binky the Elf: Come on Pudding, time to go.

Me: Et tu, Binky?

Santa: Ho, ho, ho!

Binky didn't even give me a candy cane for visiting Santa. Stupid Binky. So, all of my old elf buddies had abandoned me in favor of keeping Santa's penguin secret. Whatever happened to elf solidarity? I bet this was because I'm tall. Stupid height-conscious elf society.

Still, I got a lead out of it: either the penguins pulled the sleigh, or Santa wanted me to believe that they did. I headed to my copy of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" for information. I noticed a line that shed some light on this whole conspiracy.

Miniature? Tiny? Now, I must admit that I never had the kind of high-level security clearances that the Santa Organization requires before you get to view the sleigh privately. I'd seen it on television and stuff, though, and it was definitely a large sleigh. Nothing miniature about it. The reindeer are pretty big, too. Definitely standard-size reindeer. So, why did this old account of a visit from St. Nicholas talk about tiny reindeer?

I have a random guess, mostly because I haven't really bothered to check my facts and I have a deadline to meet. Also, it's cold and I don't want to go back to the mall. (Isn't that what journalism is all about?) I think that Santa disguised the arctic penguins as reindeer because they could fly and it takes a lot of Christmas magic to get reindeer airborne. The world was still in black and white at this point, so it wasn't that obvious from a distance that they were penguins with antlers strapped to their heads--people were expecting to see reindeer, so they saw reindeer. Just little ones.

Santa probably knew that the crazy scientists were planning to colorize the world. He sees everyone when they're sleeping, knows when they're awake, and knows if they've been bad or good. Presumably, that extends to crazy scientists planning to alter the fabric of reality. So, he finally decided that real reindeer were worth eating all of the extra cookies required to generate that much magic. People wouldn't stand for penguins pulling a sleigh if they could tell that they weren't reindeer.

Fred, the leader of the penguins, wasn't too happy about this. He flew into the workshop as soon as he heard, but it was too late. He tried to mount a protest against the wrongful termination of the penguins from the Santa Organization. Fred should have known that you should never go up against Santa Claus when Christmas is on the line. Even I know that.

Thus, Santa had no choice but to use his magic powers to take away the penguins' power of flight. They then used their new flippers to swim as far away from the North Pole as they could. They're good swimmers--made it all the way to Antarctica. Santa got his reindeer, the penguins got their continent. It worked out well for everyone involved, except for me. Really, I got neither reindeer nor a continent nor even the stupid free candy cane Binky was supposed to give me.

Bah, humbug!

Okay, okay.

Merry Christmas to all except Binky, and to all a good night!

Okay, fine.

Merry Christmas to Binky, too!