Panda Bread

Written by: Paul

Okay, this is an article for some very special people, who should know who they are, but alas, they might not. If so, they're not very. So they're just special. Hmph. I'm going to tell you how to make Panda Bread, I think.

So, for basics, wash your hands, put an apron etc blah blah. I think, for safety reasons you should clear everyone out of the house you are working in. I mean, this recipe hasn't even been tried or anything. I can't believe the editors actually put it through. Those crazy people.

Tools (things you need):

A mixing bowl, one.

A wooden spoon, one.

A measuring jug, one.

Greased baking tray, one.

A wire rack, one.

A meat clever, one.

A frying pan, one.

Regular knives, maybe a selection.

Spatula.

Okay. Now that we've covered that, we need the ingredients:

225 grams (1 & a half cups) of flour, plain white or wholemeal. (Go for wholemeal, it's healthier!)

1 level teaspoon of salt.

1 level teaspoon of sugar.

15 grams (1 level tablespoon) of soft tub margarine.

6 grams of easy blend dried yeast.

Lightly oiled clingfilm.

A panda bear. Preferably dead.

Sunflower oil.

150 ml (2/3 cup) of warm water.

First of all. Inspect the panda, you need a decently sized piece of meat. (How much you use is up to you). Maybe a hind leg or something. Then you need to get all the fur off and skin it. If you're squeamish, it's best someone else does it for you. Once you've just got the meat and the bone, get a knife and cut the meat away from the bone. Now get a meat clever and chop the meat into long strips, then dice them. You have your panda, ready to fry. Pour some oil into the frying pan, just enough to cover the surface of it, turn the hob onto the highest setting and wait for it to get to a high temperature or something. Then put the meat dices in. Once cooked (your own opinion), take the spatula and get the diced meat out and leave to cool somewhere.

We all know how to make bread, so I'll just briefly go over it:

Put the flour in the mixing bowl, then add the salt & sugar.

Add the margarine and rub into the flour using finger tips.

Add the dried yeast and stir into the flour mix.

Add all the water into the mix and stir with a wooden spoon. Stir a little, then put the fried panda in and stir some more so the meat is evenly spaced around the dough.

The dough will feel tight and lumpy, so you need to "knead" it to make it smooth and stretchy. Push your hands into the dough, gather it back into a ball, turn it slightly and then repeat. Do this for about five minutes until it feels smooth. I've decided to use this design for the bread.

Cover your bead with the clingfilm so it doesn't dry out and then put the tray in a warm place so that the yeast can do its stuff and make the dough rise.

Set the oven to 230°C/450°F. When the loaf shape has doubled in size, around half an hour later, remove the clingfilm and place the tray in centre of oven. Bake the loaf for half an hour or so (but don't leave it - check on it after 20 minutes have gone past). It should be golden brown. Then leave it to cool on the wire rack thing.

Bon Appetite!

-credit to wwww.botham.co.uk for the image and help in the directions for the bread