User:Jacob/Funfiller

The following is all the content Jacob has contributed to the Funfiller template featured on the Main Page.

Dance Party!

Battle for the Dung

BFTD, Part 1

Both desired it...only one could have it.

BFTD, Part 2

Long ago, there lived in the land of Meridell a wealthy prince named Doirn. He had what every lowly peasant could dream of: wealth, fame, a giant castle amid the farm lands and an army under his leadership. But even having this wasn't what it would seem like to you and me like it did to Doirn. He had grown knowing all of these things, and taking them for granted as normal everyday things for the common Neopian.

And so, Doirn took it upon himself to find something more to what he had, something that had more meaning to him. However, being in the position of a high ranking prince, this was not acceptable to his subjects, who required his leadership and presence. Whenever Doirn should walk out of his castle for exploring, his servants and army would line up to restrain him from leaving, pressing him back into his castle.

It came to the point Doirn would need to sneak out in the middle of the night, using his castles hidden passages to allude his own guards like a real theif. They would find him days later, holed up in a tree or a cave trying to hide from them, and they would carry him back kicking and screaming, ordering them to lay him down. In this way, it came to be Doirn's luxury became his own prison.

Eventually, the guards became accostomed to imprisoning Doirn within his walls, and he found it harder to escape in the middle of the night as before. Not giving up on his dreams to find something more, he continued to find new ways to escape his castle, but focused more on reading all the books of his giant library, absorbing all the knowledge he could of the world and its lands, searching for something to grasp onto. Then one day, he came upon an old dusty tome titled "The Myth of Dung".

Dung was a stinky, horrid and disgusting material, and yet despite its qualities was an extremeley wanted and prized valuable. Placed in the middle of the field, it could make an entire seasons crop grow three times in size, making it all the easier on farmers to feed the nation. But because of all the wars fought for the it, all the dung was destroyed, and was believed not to have ever existed.

Doirn shook with excitement as he finished the tome, and said, "I will find this dung and bring it back to my lands. There must be some dung laying around in this world, and i shall find it."

BFTD, Part 3

Not far from Doirn's castle, another Neopet was scheming a quest to obtain the dung as well. Hidden in the forests of Meridell stomped a powerdul Darigan Scorchio named Crim. His intentions for the dung were anything but noble, for he sought to to take as much dung as he could back to Darigan Citadel. The army of Lord Darigan was growing to an immense size, so large that no matter how many lands they crossed they couldn't find enough food to support themselves. A few days earlier, the army had no choice but to halt their advance in the hopes of growing a crop large enough to support them.

Crim, certainly not the best of Lord Darigan's warriors but certainly the strongest, was charged to find enough dung to help their horde through the long struggle of traveling to Meridell. Unlike the rest of ignorant Meridell, Lord Darigan knew of the dung and its great power, and while he didn't know where dung could be found, he knew of a place that could point in the right direction: The libraries of Brightvale.

Coming to an open field with no forest to hide his presence, Crim sighed and walked out into the sun, automatically alerting the farmers to his presence and alerting a patrolling squad of knights. Quickly surrounding him, a Draik commanded, "Surrender at once, demon! We know not where you are going, but you shall not take another step in our lands."

Crim smiled, and began to laugh heartily as the squad of knights stared at each other in confusion. Then in one swift motion, Crim raised his foot and stomped down fiercly, creating a shockwave powerful enough to send all the knights flying several feet away. Crim grunted, saying, "Is this the best defense Meridell has to offer me? Foolish Neopets. I don't need to hide from the likes of you to get what I seek, but I don't want to waste my time and leave my Lord waiting."

And Crim laughed as he walked off, leaving the stunned knights on the ground staring after him in fear as he slipped back into the shadows of the forest.

BFTD, Part 4

Grabbing as many scientific and magical books he could, Doirn flew into the privacy of his room and immediatly went to work. Throwing off his royal clothes, he poured over everything the books could tell him about the magic and workings of concealment, memorizing everything his great mind could. He had refrained from diving into such books as these before, as he didn't think he would be this desperate. But for something as the Dung, he risk such a venture.

Calling out to his servants, he tasked all of them to gather different things: flasks, magical liquads, supplies, and everything else he needed to break free that very night. To any wizard or clever Neopian, it was apparent what Doirn was going to do, but all the seperate servants believed he was just being eccentric as usual, having been locked up in his own castle for so long. As long as they were going to imprison him, they may as well give him what he needed, right? They held onto this logic throughout the day, while Doirn began to laugh with glee when each servant returned.

Deep into the night, Doirn mixed together materials, magic liquids and motes in flasks, creating countless magical potions he would need on his journey to find the Dung. Finally, after many hours, he created a Red Scorchio Morphing Potion.

Of course, it wasn't a fully functional morphing potion. He was only a prince, and as intelligent as he was, it would take him years of training and more proper materials than he had there. No, this was temporary, and temporary was all he needed in order to fool his guards and escape into the forests and fields of his kingdom, and search for the Dung he craved. Taking a deep breath and crossing his fingers, Doirn drank his days hard worked, hoping it would prove worthwhile.

Sure enough, Doirn's skin began to turn Red, and he began to laugh. Quickly putting together a satchel with all his potions and supplies, he snuck out of his room, beginning to walk out of his castle normally when he was a safe distance away. He was eventually stopped by a pair of Skeith guards who said, "You there! What are you doing here in this late hour?"

"My apologies," sighed Doirn, doing his part to look the silly and innocent looking commoner. "I had come to visit the storage room this afternoon and fulfill and order from my farm. But I seem to have gotten lost along the way, and been wandering the castle ever since."

Sighing, the guards escorted him out and recommended he come back in the morning. Doirn thanked them, and held back his chuckle until he was out of earshot, at which point he began to run and laugh into the night and into the freedom of the world around him.

BFTD, Part 5

Night faded into day, and Doirn happily walked across the fields and forests of Meridell, finally free of the confining castle which was his birthright. And with his royal clothes and colour gone, he looked like an average Red Scorchio to the Neopets he passed, whom he greeted warmly, each and every one. However, when he got to a Meridell guard post, they did not greet him so warmly.

"Who are you and where have you come from?" commanded a Draik as he pointed a spear at Doirn.

"My name is Melvin," said Doirn, seemingly oblivious to the fact a soldier was pointing a weapon at him. "I'm traveling to Brightvale to buy new fruits for my farm."

"However you are, you're staying here for questioning," said the other Draik, who also had his spear pointed at Doirn. "We have recieved word Prince Doirn went missing from his castle last night, and an unknown Red Scorchio was seen wandering around the castle. Until we know full details, we must detain you here."

Doirn, knowing full well what would happen if he was found out, began to sweat on the spot, and before either Draik could respond, he reached into his pack and threw a Stream of Light potion on the ground, blinding both guards while he ran past them. Within minutes, an entire troop of knights were after him, which he held back for as long as he could with his potions, but was eventually overwhelmed and captured.

Taken before the throne of King Skarl in Meridell Castle, the knights and Skarl looked through Doirn's belongings, and not only found his hoard of potions but his royal clothes, which he kept in case he would need them in his travels.

"Well then Melvin, if that is really who you are," said King Skarl. "It would seem not only are you dangerously armed, but you have the clothes of the missing Prince Doirn. Would you care to explain this?"

Sighing, Doirn said, "The truth is, your majesty, is that I'm Dorin in disguise. I've temporarily painted myself Red to sneak past my guards, who have imprisioned me in my own castle. I have done this in order to find adventure and bring back to Meridell the treasured Dung, so our farms shall grow all the larger."

King Skarl began to laugh heartily for several seconds, then began to scream angerily at Doirn. "What kind of joke is that? Everyone knows Dung doesn't exist, and your silly excuse to hide your actions as a criminal and a kidnapper won't work on me. Guards! Throw this Melvin into the dungeons. He may wish to talk to us in a few weeks."

BFTD, Part 6

Deep in the dungeon of Meridell Castle and clasped in heavy irn chains, Doirn sighed with sadness. He had escaped from his prison only to find himself in another one, and this time he didn't have any servants and all the other comforts fitting of a prince. Instead he had a cold stone floor, and the promise of bread and water for the next few weeks. A fine adventure this turned out to be, thought Doirn to himself, and sighed once again.

Realizing he would need to get used to his new home, Doirn took notice of his surroundings for the first time, noticing a pillar before him with many numbered countings, along with a worn out pencil. The previous inhabitat of Doirns cell seemed to take to games while he passed the time, and counted the days as they passed as well. Doirn was able to count up to 90, at which point there didn't seem to be anymore markings. Whatever the fate of the prisoner, I seem to have taken their place, thought Doirn. May as well continue where he left off.

As Doirn picked up the pencil with his toes and was about to write down his first day, a loud crash sounded somewhere in the dungeon, followed by tremors which shoke the very stone of his cell. Every few seconds, another crash would sound, louder that before, along with even stronger tremors. Doirn began to shake in fear at what could be approaching, dropping the pencil which rolled out of his reach. Suddenly the wall of Doirn's cell burst forth, spraying debris everywhere. When the dust settled, Doirn say before him a purple and evil look Scorchio.

"Are you Melvin, the kidnapper who is said to have posed as Prince Doirn?" asked the Scorchio, smiling slighty.

Doirn swallowed his fear, and proudly said, "I am Prince Doirn, and if i have kidnapped anyone i have only kidnapped myself."

The Scorchio snorted, and said, "I couldn't care less who you are. All I care about is the rumour i heard from some villagers i terrorized, that a Scorchio who claimed to be Doirn was looking for Dung. As that is you, I don't need to keep searching this dungeons."

"Who and what are you?" asked Doirn withastonishment. "How do you know about the Dung?"

"It would seem we haven't been properly introduced," said the Scorchio, bowing slowly. "I am Crim, a Darigan Scorchio, and how I know of the Dung is my own business...or our business, if that is alrught with you. You see, even though I know where to go to look for the existence of Dung, the means of getting it are difficult, because unlike your educated self I can't read. Never really had much point to it, as it could never help me fight in the feild. Was planning on forcing a scholar to read for me, but I know my methods would call the whole of the guard in Meridell, and when I heard someone was looking for the Dung as well, I thought we could serve each others purposes to get what we want."

"And if I refuse?" said Doirn bitterly, not liking the idea of working with an evil creature such as Crim.

"Well, you could always stay here for the next few weeks if you wish," said Crim as he smiled. "Like i said, my methods would call on all the forces of Meridell to face me, but I don't need to worry about that. It would just slow me down having to fight so many weaklings, and I don't have time to waste. Your choice."

Sighing deeper than ever, Doirn said, "Very well Crim. I shall help you find the Dung, and as long as you have your intentions of finding it hidden, so will mine," to which Crim nodded, breaking the iron chains around Doirn's wrists like paper. As Doirn rubbed his aching wrists, he added, "and if i'm going to be of any use to use besides reading books, I will need to have my belongings, which was stolen from me when I was imprisoned here."

"Is that all?" laughed Crim, dropping Doirn's bag in front of him. "Even though I'm not educated, I know enough to know you are very dangerous and crafty. With your help, I'm sure we shall find the Dung in no time."

As Doirn threw his bag over his shoulder, he grumbled, "I'm sure we will."

BFTD, Part 7

Breaking free of the Meridell Castle dungeon can be easier than you think, especially when you have a super strong Darigan Scrochio breaking through every wall you come upon. Doirn found this out as Crim smashed through stone wall after stone wall, even digging his own tunnels if there should be nothing but dirt behind the stone. Not even the guards they came upon slowed them down, as they were all dispatched by Crim or ran in fear of his mocking laugh. Doirn shuddering, wondering what he got himself into, but continued follwoing Crim all the same, determined to find the Dung which they both sought for their own purposes. And like Crim said, with his help, they would be able to find the Dung all the faster.

They eventually broke through the dungeon, right out fo the castle wall. The commontion they caused from within and now their exit soon had immediate army in the castle chasing after them. It was only with the help of Doirn they were able to escape, because even though Crim was powerful, there was a limit to his power, and though it was possible he could fight and escape from the army, having Doirn with him was another matter.

Tucked safely away in a storage shed filled with hay, Crim laughed, saying, "It seems you have become useful already. Never would have thought a prince could be so clever at sneaking and hiding about."

"When you live in a prison," softly replied Doirn, "you learn ways to move about the prison in your own terms. In the future, I would hope you will have more control of your outbursts, becase there won't always be a pile of hay for us to hide under. If you want my help, that's all I ask of you," to which Crim merely laughed some more.

After many more hours of moving Meridell and changing hiding places, Doirn and Crim were finally free from the confines of the city and into the wild, well on their way to Brightvale. While Crim marched on ahead of him, Doirn thought to himself about the situation he was in, believing Crim wouldn't hold up their partnership, being the cruel Neopet he was. The moment he learned the location of the Dung, Crim would toss him away, and Doirn would have no say in the matter over such fearsome power.

Doirn didn't have time to think out out a plan long before they were at the gates of Brightvale, to which Crim pushed Doirn out ahead. "You go on inside and find out what the books can say about the Dung," said Crim. "If you aren't back before nightfall, I will storm the castle and find you. And if I don't find you, I suppose I could go to your castle, Prince, and see if any of your servants and vassals know of your whereabouts. I hope they will be cooperative with me in finding you," and Crim winked at finishing his sentence.

Sighing, Doirn quickly ran into the city, knowing full well what was at stake. Despite the imprisonment his land put on him, he did not hate them, and did not wish a monster the likes of Crim to destroy their homes and lives. Rushing through every elaborate library he could find, Doirn read quickly, even using Potions of Concealment to break into more secure libraries, knowing his people's livelyhood were at stake, and his own quest the moment Crim knew of the location.

Hours later, the sun was close to setting and an impatient Crim paced about the trees, frowning at the possible escape of the prince, but smiling at the destruction he could cause because of it. Right before Crim decided to lay waste to Brightvale, Doirn came running through the trees, breathing heavy. Crim smiled as he walked up to the exhausted Doirn, and calmly asked, "Do you know where the Dung can be found?"

Taking deep breathes, Doirn finally said, "The texts are vague on the location, but the direction they were all very sure on."

"Good," said Crim as he picked up Doirn by his neck. "And what direction will I be going to find the Dung?"

BFTD, Part 8

Seconds passed while Doirn was held in the air by Crim, but Doirn continued to be silent. "I said," said Crim, "Where is the Dung? While I could hold you up all day, I don't have all day, so spit it out before I decide to destroy your land on a whim after this is all over."

Doirn then smiled, and in a swift motion kicked at Crim, stunning him enough to let Doirn take flight into the air. Before Crim could retaliate, Doirn took a deep breath and breathed heavy flames upon him. Because he had not practiced breathing fire in such a long time, Doirn knew it wasn't enough to hurt Crim, especially a fellow Scorchio. But it was certainly enough of a distraction to give time to fly high into a tree. While Doirn quickly rustled through his bag of potions, Crim growled, "You have no idea how much I'm going to enjoy destroying your homeland."

"That's alright," laughed Doirn, potions in his hands. "You won't be able to enjoy it in either case." Crim scoffed at Doirn's claim and made ready to rush the trees, but was stobbed short by the bright light of a bright flare coming from Brightvale Castle. Growling all the louder, Crim turned back to the smiling Doirn and cried out, "What did you do stupid prince?"

============

When it was but only an hour before sunset, Doirn sat outside the last library of Brightvale, exhausted and depressed at finding no book in the libraries of Brightvale about Dung. His quest, and his homeland, were now ruined. He rummaged around in his satchel, hoping to find something which could change the inevitable, when he suddenly did find something. Immediately rushing to Brightvale Castle, he was finally stopped by the guards when he tried to run his way into King Hagan's chamber. "I'm sorry," said a Draik guard, "but King Hagan is currently reading Keeping The Peace and can't be disturbed."

"Tell him Prince Doirn wishes to speak with him, and it's a matter of the security of Brightvale and Meridell," said Doirn, a little out of breath. Taken aback, the guard went into the chambers and escorted Doirn in shortly after. Putting down his book, King Hagan looked to Doirn and said, "Greetings fellow Neopet. I was told by one of my guards you are calling yourself Doirn, the missing prince of Meridell. I hope you have such claims to this."

"I do," said Doirn, quickly pulling out his Royal clothes from his satchel. "While I am in disguise, it would be foolish of me to leave behind the evidence of my departure, as this is my heritage."

"That may be true," said King Hagan as he scratched his beard, "but how can you prove to me you are not simple a kidnapper, and holding the real prince hostage?"

"I'm sure you were informed of the recent arrest and escape of a prisoner in Meridell calling himself Doirn, which I believe you know is no coincedience. And why would I willingly give myself to you as I am, King Hagan?"

"Well played," said King Hagan as he smiled. "But surely you must know I have also been informed of the method the prisoner used to escape Meridell's dungeons. A Scorchio who can burst through solid stone walls doesn't need to worry about capture from my guards."

"That is the danger to Brightvale and Meridell i spoke of," sighed Doirn. "A devious Scorchio named Crim has come to Meridell in search of the Dung, and took me from the prisons upon hearing I was on a similar quest. While my will to find the Dung is for the good of all, I'm sure his intentions are of the most foul. He has asked me to come into Brightvale on his behalf, and I'm to return to him before nightfall, or he will ravage not only this castle, but my lands as well."

"The Dung you say?" said King Hagan with an amused look, walking back to his pile of books and picking one of them up. "It just so happens I have the oldest book speaking of the legend of the Dung in my hand. A one of a kind book nowhere else in Brightvale."

"I would very much like to read from it," said Doirn. "If it has any clues to the location of the Dung, I am that much closer to bringing the dung back to the lands of Meridell." King Hagan turned back to Doirn with cold eyes and said, "Leaving us to deal with the monster you left on your heels?"

Doirn smiled, and said, "No, I expect you to follow me back to where Crim is waiting with your army, as it will take an army to overcome him. Also, send out a flare to call out to your brother, for I think he would like to get his hands on the Scorchio who ruined a good portion of his dungeon."

"You are a wise Neopet, Doirn," laughed King Hagan. "It's a shame we did not meet until now, and do not have the time to share each other's wisdom. I look forward to speaking with you at a future time when you return to Meridell, with or without the Dung."

"May I read from the book then?" asked Doirn with anticipation.

"In a moment. First, I would like to hear some words of wisdom from you. I'm curious to hear what knowledge you have gained in your studies."

"Really?" said Doirn as he scratched his head. "Oh. Um...It’s a sad day when you can no longer trust success are similar to the greed of an blueberry Blooky?"

============

Crim stared at Doirn in disbelief, saying, "But that doesn't make any sense!"

Doirn laughed and said, "I know, but King Hagan absorbed it like a sponge." Crim cried out in frustration and rushed the base of the tree Doirn was standing on, smashing it to bits. Doirn took to the air before Crim struck, and threw a Stream of Light and Slippery Floor Potion at Crim, who began to flail in blinded panic, slipping continually. Soon after, a barrage of magical spell bolts began to rain all around them. It's good to see you, Brightvale sorcerers, thought Doirn. I was beginning to wonder when you would show. Now to get out of hear so you don't accidently blast me with Crim. And Doirn took a Potion of Concealment, flying away from the battlefield.

Miles away, Doirn flew to the beaches of Brightvale, where a boat awaited him from a local fisherman. It's good to know my plans can acctually work now and then, thought Doirn as he sighed.

"You will be careful with my boat, won't you," asked the worried Koi fisherman. "I know I'm being given enough Neopoints for an even better boat, but this one has helped me sustain my family for many years."

"I will do my best," said Doirn as he climbed into the boat. "Though it's a long journey to where I go, she is a she boat, and i'm sure she will take me far." He was lying when he said it though. It was an paddle boat which had seen better years, and even though it was stocked with provisions from King Hagan himself, he didn't know if it would be enough. He needed to try though, and the his words reassured the Koi fisherman. "Be sure to give my reguards to King Hagan," said Doirn as he pushed off into the sea, "and tell him there will be plently of Dung for him and his subjects when I return."

And so Doirn sailed into the wild seas with his paddle boat, going northeast in the direction of Dung and adventure.

BFTD, Part 9

For a total of three days, Doirn rowed northeast. Sleeping only when he was exhausted and eating sparingly, he wanted to put as much distance as he could to wherever he was going before his food ran out. While Brightvale’s fruits were plentiful, the distance to the land the he sought in King Hagan’s book was much greater. Also, there was no telling if Crim had escaped the attack of Brightvale and Meridell’s army. Doirn hoped dearly Crim was subdued, and even if he did escape could not possibly chase him all the way out into the ocean. But deep in his heart Doirn believed that could happen, and needed to make haste.

It was in the afternoon when Doirn’s fears came true. He was eating a Dewy Apple when heard Crim scream out, “I’ve finally found you!” the sudden surprise shocked Doirn, and the Dewy Apple flew from Doirn’s hands and went into the ocean. Quickly looking around, Doirn saw Crim flying in from the south, haggard and barely able to keep above the water. He must have searched the whole ocean to find me, thought Doirn as he quickly put his paddles back in the water. If I can out row him, maybe he will exhaust himself and fall into the water.

With not even a minute into the chase, Doirn realized this was not to be. Crim was only fifty feet away and would be upon him within twenty seconds. “You may as well *pant* give up, Prince,” said Crim. “I’m *pant* not letting you go if it’s *pant* the last thing I do.”

Doirn realized his capture was inevitable, and put all his strength in using one paddle, spinning his boat around as fast as he could. Crim finally came upon the boat, crashing onto the bow, laughing as he did. “Trying to *pant* stop me from coming onto the boat, are you?” laughed Crim. “Nice try, but not good enough.”

However, Doirn kept rowing, spinning the boat around in circles as fast as he could. “Stop that pointless rowing!” cried out Crim, trying to sit up on the boat. “I’m sick enough as it is, and don’t need anymore reasons to clobber you.” Doirn reluctantly pulled the paddle from the water and set it across his lap, sighing softly. “Thank you,” continued Crim. “You are a crafty one, Prince, but it was all for naught.”

“So it would seem,” said Doirn, gripping the paddle tightly. “Tell me. How did you find me out here in the middle of the ocean?”

“It was luck really...along with the assistance of a crystal ball,” to which Crim pulled clear crystal ball out from his bag and held it before Doirn. “The only tool Lord Darigan gave me on my quest, to which I’m now very thankful for. It may have only shown me you were in the ocean, but it was enough, and I’ve been searching far and wide ever since.”

While Crim closed his eyes and smiled at the good luck his crystal ball gave him, Doirn quickly lunged and swung at it with his paddle. Too tired to react, Crim cried out as the paddle struck the crystal ball from his hand, sending it flying into the ocean. “You fool,” cried out Crim as he knocked Doirn away, quickly looking over the edge of the boat and saw the crystal ball sinking ever deeper into the ocean. Scowling, Crim picked up Doirn and said, “Prepare to go overboard, Prince. You’re getting my crystal ball back.”

“I’m most certainly not,” said Doirn as he fought back against Crim. “And it’s not like it would do much good. We Scorchios can’t survive the water long, and by now it’s probably too deep for only the Koi to get now. Face it. It’s gone.”

Crim growled all the louder and tossed Doirn back to his seat with his paddles. “Fine, have it your way,” Crim said as he sat down. “It’s not like I need it anymore anyway. I found you, and you’re going to lead me to the dung just as planned. Start paddling, Prince. With me here your supply of fruit isn’t going to last much longer.”

“Again,” said Doirn as he crossed arms, “I’m not going to help you.” Crim looked at him with confusion, to which Doirn sighed and said, “If I lead you to the dung in this boat, I’m going to become useless to you once again. Not only that, I know for a fact you do not mean to use the dung for the good of all. To prevent such evil, I’m not going anywhere.”

“You must be kidding!” laughed Crim. “We are in the middle of the ocean. If you don’t take us anywhere, we will starve. You won’t let yourself starve, no would you?”

“Really?” asked Doirn, smiling slightly. Crim jumped to his feet and pointed at him, saying, “Fine! I don’t need you anyway. You were rowing to the northeast, and I just need to go in that direction till I hit land.”

“Or was I rowing in that direction?” said Doirn, smiling all the more. “I mean, I could have just been rowing away from you instead of the direction of the dung. And are you even sure it was northeast and not another direction? You looked pretty tired, and I don’t think you could be able to tell north or south if you wanted to. And what direction was I facing? I spun my boat around so much—”

“Enough, Prince,” growled Crim as he sat down. “I get your point. Is this what you intend to do then? Sit until the both of us starve in the middle of the ocean?”

“If it means not letting the dung in your hands...yes.”

And so they sat there, with Crim looking at Doirn with utter hatred as he ate the remainder of Doirn’s food, the winds blowing about the boat in random directions. After only a single day, all the food was gone, and both Scorchios were laid out across the boat as the hot sun shown above them. Crim took a deep breath through his nose, then slowly sat up, breathing again, and smiled. “It was northeast,” said Crim.

Doirn looked at Crim in confusion, which made him smile all the more as he stood up and stretched. “You played me like a fiddle, that is for sure, but it was the northeast alright. I mean, take a whiff of the winds coming from that direction.”

Not understanding what Crim meant, Doirn smelled the air, and was immediately disgusted by the noxious smell. Such a smell would have filled him with joy were it a different situation, but now it only filled him with horror. It was the distinct smell of dung described to him in the legends.

“That’s right,” said Crim. “And now that I know where it is, I don’t need to stay here anymore, do I?”

In an instant, Crim slammed his foot through the hull of the boat, breaking it in two. Crim flew into the air with a laugh as Doirn slipped into the ocean waters, holding onto a piece of the shattered boat.

“Thank you for the hospitality, Prince,” said Crim as he bowed to Doirn, “but I must be going. Lord Darigan wants his dung, and his dung he shall get.” And Crim flew off to the source of the smell as he left Doirn stranded in the ocean, laughing all the way.

BFTD, Part 10

For the whole of the afternoon, Crim flew happily across the ocean, giggling all over again when he thought of Doirn whom he left behind. The prince would surely drown or starve in the middle of this vast sea, and trouble him no more. It was just as well, because Doirn had already served his purpose in discovering the path to the Dung, the stench of with blew against his face in the wind. Such a vile smell would have turned away any other, but to Crim who knew the power such a smell held, it meant years of endless conflict and war, which Crim thrived on.

Soon Crim was upon the beach of an unknown land, the smell of Dung almost overpowering him. As he walked across the rocky terrain, he could make out the form of a volcano, or at least what a scholar had once described to him as. Crim was truly in a newly discovered land, and it filled him with wonder. But unlike an archeologist, it was no more than another land for Darigan Citadel to conquer. Crim eventually came upon a village filled with busy Neopets, if that's what they could be called. He had never seen such creatures, who worked about with straw and stone in a primitive fashion. They were nothing more than a conquest, however, just like the surrounding land. And a means to finding the Dung. Walking fearlessly into the village, he was soon approached by what appeared to be a speckled Nimmo. "Greetings," said Crim. "I am Crim, and if you value you your life and those of your fellow villagers, you will do as I say and take me to the Dung. Are we clear?"

"Ugga ugga," coughed out the Nimmo as it scratched its head.

"Excuse you," said Crim, and cleared his own throat as well. "Now, where is the Dung? I will make good on my threats if you aren't careful."

"Ugga ug ugga ugga ug ug," coughed out the Nimmo, now making gestures with its hands. Crim continued to ask the Nimmo his questions, who continued to grunt back, until it finally dawned on Crim. Just as this village was underdeveloped, so was the language of its inhabitants.

"What kind of undeveloped Neopet talks in grunts?" cried out Crim in desperation. When the Nimmo began to grunt back, trying to answer the question in its own way, Crim picked it up and threw it at a nearby straw house. If they can't understand me through words, thought Crim, then they will understand me through violence.

However, Crim began to realize it was soon a mistake. Countless Neopets crying out the word "Ugga" began to surround him, much larger and fiercer than the Neopet he had just thrown away. Unlike the warriors of Meridell, these haggard Neopets looked like they fought danger on a daily basis, and that was shown as Crim began to fight for his life against the relentless hoard. Over and over again, Crim threw them off, but they got right back up, as if receiving his blows were nothing more than part of their daily routine. If I don't get out of here, panicked Crim as he tried to free himself from a Chia's headlock, I may not live to see tomorrow.

Just then, a new cry was heard over the deafening "ugga ugga".

"Charge me mateys! Treasure and glory awaits ye! ARRRR!"

Turning towards the cry, Crim's hope of surviving dropped completely as he saw an army of pirates approaching, weapons drawn. "What are pirates doing here?" cried out Crim in confusion, and then was suddenly swatted to the ground by a giant of a Kacheek. As the pirates closed in on the ensuing battle, Crim began to realize he would not survive this day.

BFTD, Part 11

		Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free You are a pirate! Yarr har fiddle dee dee Being a pirate is alright to be Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free You are a pirate!

BFTD, Part 12

The dancing and singing of the strange under-developed Neopets and pirates lasted throughout the evening into the night, ending with a grand feast created between both parties. The strange Neopets (who through the festivities were found to be called "Tyrannians", due to living in Tyrannia), supplied the meal with strange and exotic foods while the pirates supplied the grog. Much merryment was had with all present...save for one Scorchio, who still had many wounds from the battle earlier that day.

"How did you manage to become a pirate after I left you in the ocean?" Crim asked the Pirate Scorchio next to him, who was none other than Doirn.

"Simple luck really," laughed Doirn as he drank his grog merrily. "It seems Pirates are always on the lookout for orphans holding onto driftwood in the middle of the ocean, due to the fact they are all orphans themselves. I played along with their desire to help the orphans of the world, and have been accepted as one of them."

"Really? Then how about I mention you are a prince of royal decent, and not an orphan at all?"

"I doubt that will work, because I think they already know. They had a few problems in the past just like that, and can see through my bluff. However, I managed to convince them there was treasure beyond their wildest imagination in this land. It was merely a matter of stirring their imaginations and acting like a pirate to convince them."

"You promised them a share of the Dung?" said Crim in disbelief. "There are literally hundreds of pirates here. There will be nothing left."

"Don't be silly," said Doirn happily, slapping Crim on the shoulder, who winced in pain. "There is plently of Dung here for everyone. Can't you smell it? It's all around us, and the stench is thicker than a Turtum's shell."

Crim grumbled all the same, and Doirn smiled as he lead him into the heart of the party. "Why don't you relax, Crim? You've hardly had a chance to enjoy this occasion, and the meal is almost over. The Tyrannians are good company once you get over the language barrier."

"They all sound the same to me," grumbled Crim. "And I doubt you or the pirates are having much progress understanding them either."

"It's funny that you mention it, actually. I saw the pirate caption speaking with an elder, and all I could hear was ARRR and Ugga Ugga. They seemed to be doing quite well."

While Doirn laughed at the oddities around him, Crim took a flask of grog and kept to himself, planning for some way to come back out on top. The odds were against him and higher than ever, and if Doirn had his way, it looked like he wouldn't be getting any of the Dung from the rowdy rabble around him.

BFTD, Part 13

The party lasted throughout the night, slowly dying down to a whisper when all were exhausted from the feasting and dancing. In the morning, the Tyrannians and Pirates begun negotiations for the Dung of the land. Pirates brought forth dubloons and other treasures to the Tyrannians, to which they scratched their heads over and continued to grunt and cough in their odd language. Meanwhile, Crim, fully healed from the battle, found Doirn packing his satchel for travel Not only that, but he seemed to have returned to his natural royal green colour.

"Whatever happened to the life of a pirate?" mocked Crim.

"Nothing more than a disguise, like my red colour from before," replied Doirn, still paying attention to his packing. "After the night of partying I brought to the pirates, I don't think they will care how I look at this point."

"Where are you going? The pirates are still negotiating with the Tyrannians for the Dung."

"There's nothing to negotiate over," said Doirn as he set his satchel on his shoulder and began to walk in the direction out of the village, Crim following behind him. "The Tyrannians don't understand the concept of pirate wealth or our language, but after the party they had last night, I think they are more than willing to share whatever they can with us. However, the Dung is something they don't see worth trading over."

"What more could the Tyrannians ask from us?" asked Crim, thinking he would need to fight for the Dung after all, something he didn't look forward to.

"Nothing," said Doirn matter-of-factly. When he turned around and saw Crim was confused, Doirn continued. "The Tyrannians want nothing to do with the Dung. I figured it out earlier this morning after speaking with a few Tyrannians. All around us is a desert, with limited or no vegetation. What use is the Dung if there isn't a proper growing environment? To them, the Dung is nothing more something which stinks up the place. I assume we can take as much as we please."

"Splendid. Then let's take it and be on our way."

"It's not that easy. Because of the smell, the Tyrannians stashed all the Dung they had in one location: north near the volcano. Not only is the land there treacherous, it's inhabited with creatures far more powerful than the normal Tyrannian."

"Why in Neopia would they bother doing that?"

"After smelling Dung for so long, I guess they thought it was a good idea at the time. Plus they hoped it would serve as a deterrent for those creatures to attack, which they found only makes them angry, making them all the more dangerous."

"So what's our course of action? You and me against who knows what at the volcano while the pirates show off their gold coins?"

"Not really. I asked the captain for three crewmates to wait for us outside the village, telling him we could search for the Dung while he bargained with the elders."

Like three pirates will bring much difference, Crim thought to himself. They met the three pirates outside the village, and they introduced themselves as Claude, Jerry, and Patch. With adventure in their hearts and the smell of Dung spurning them on, they traveled north to face unknown dangers.

Revenge of the Impatient Ones

And it came to pass countless Neopians attacked Jacob for not writing Battle for the Dung Part 7 in time, forcing him to try and muster the will and the concentration to write something worthwhile. And they stole his chicken bucket until he writes it out. *whine* :( Battle for the Dung Part 7 will be written soon. Hold tight faithful readers. ;)

Important Science Fact

Snot

Changing something from Chocolate into Snot is as simple as blasting it with an electrical ray. It's unknown what causes this strange occurance, because the elements of chocolate are far different than that of snot. Further research is needed, but test subjects or in short supply, due to the very nature of snot. Despite this, scientists across Neopia continue to delve into the mystery, hoping to one day uncover the truth, maddening that it may be.

Not Very Happy Neopets!