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Jenna!
 Post subject: Closed Eyes.
PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 11:01 pm 
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A new poem I wrote...

Closed Eyes

Silent steps,
Lack of trail,
Living Public,
Can't prevail.

Running swift,
Never halt.
Looking back,
All self fault.

Searching panic,
It's all a race.
Shaking fright,
Not a moment to waste.

Find and crawl,
Squeeze to fit.
Let out a breath,
No room to sit.

Weak arms,
Afraid to sigh,
Slowly tender,
Closed eyes.

The first paragraph descirbes leaving, the second, running and trying to escape from capture, the third is searching for place to hide, the fourth is finding that place, and the last is resting.

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Tharkun
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2005 7:51 pm 
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Fresh from my AP literature class, I immediately assumed it was really about the trials of celebrity. That'll teach me.

Anyway, "all self fault" is a bit awkward - I'd put his, her or my in there instead of self.

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Jenna!
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 12:02 am 
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Tharkun wrote:
Fresh from my AP literature class, I immediately assumed it was really about the trials of celebrity. That'll teach me.

Anyway, "all self fault" is a bit awkward - I'd put his, her or my in there instead of self.


Well, I dont know who it is yet.. And they aren't exactly an "It"

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Ammer
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2005 9:46 pm 
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It's a nice poem; it's short and simple but I think it could use a bit more "substance". That meaning more I suppose emotions, you could add more things to each paragraph to make it a more personal poem.

As for the "all self fault", it does sound a bit akward.

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_jade_em_
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 2:50 am 
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It's very good ... though I also thought that "All self fault" sounded a little weird. Also, the "Not a moment to waste" line is a little too long, and I slipped off beat when I read that :/

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