Written by: Moongewl
My friends know I sometimes run down the street screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! FLESH-EATING ZOMBIES! RUUUUUUUUN!" and flailing my arms wildly. Do you think that's weird? I don't. Not only is it fun and good exercise, it's also practice.
Practice for what?
Why, the zombie uprising, of course. Would I be screaming about flesh-eating zombies if the threat were giant clams? Well, considering it's me, maybe I would. But that's not the point.
What was the point again? Oh yeah, the zombie uprising. I think that zombies are, like, a totally important issue to face. Have you seen those zombie movies? They stagger around eating HUMAN FLESH, people. Then you turn into ONE OF THEM. Incidentally, that's also how vampires, werewolves, and squealing fangirls are created.
So, really, guys. There's a serious issue here, and all of our legislators, judiciators, and executators are just ignoring it. It's the same approach they take with other serious matters, like slavery or Al Sharpton's hairstyle. Have you ever heard ANY other candidate even mention these important issues? I, for one am unafraid to say that I'm against slavery but for Al Sharpton's right to look goofy while running for a political position. But my little fluttering angel version of me on my shoulder that represents my conscience is telling me to stop talking about that now.
Where was I? Oh yeah, zombies. They're bad. That's why I have a plan for when they start rising from the dead and, according to the zombie experts from The Simpsons, either shooting at us or voting Republican. Also they eat humans.
But anyway, here's the plan I'm going to send to my lawmakers:
1. When dead bodies begin rising up to kill and eat humans, panicky unarmed hystericals like me will alert the general population of the situation. We will do this by running down crowded streets screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! FLESH-EATING ZOMBIES! RUUUUUUUUN!"
2. People with hunting licenses will then report to their nearest NRA guy's house, or ammunition store, whichever one's closer. Do whatever the NRA guy/ammunition store owner says. If you're so scared you start accusing other people of being zombies in disguise, you're not allowed to do any zombie killing.
3. If the zombies are the slow kind, your chances of survival are good as long as you go somewhere other than a mall or your basement. If they're the fast, angry kind, you're probably doomed.
4. I, my friends, and anybody else who likes me will be hiding in the special anti-zombie bunker with enough canned goods and freeze-dried astronaut ice cream to last us a year. Hopefully, there will also be a can opener.
Sound good? That's just the basic outline. I intend to work atomic bombs in somehow.
Thanks for your time, and AAAAAUGH BEHIND YOU IT'S THE ZOMBIES! RUN!
Oh, wait. Just a potted plant. Sorry.
Moongewl needs to go buy that can opener.
Nessa is a editing zombie, thats why that other article was missing a comma.