20 Second Sketch

Written by: Nessa

The following article has been rejected from the Neopian Times for “Revealing Neopian Secrets.”

Neoquest II. It's big, it's bold, it's perhaps a little beautiful. But the point still stands: in this whirlwind of computers, whi…yello…wh…coloured Blumaroos, mythical creatures and glottal stops, there lies something sinister. Something deeply perturbing. Something that haunts the dreams of good little Neopets far and wide; I am talking, of course, of the monsters.

With their fanged horns and horned fangs, these beasts roam Neopia, frightening children, stealing lunch money and beating defenseless wizards. However, have you ever stopped and realized how ridiculous some of them are? If they’re in your dreams, they should be standing on stage beneath a flashing neon sign saying “Applause.” Hopefully they’ll be wearing something more than just their underwear.

So without further ado, let us take an in-depth look at some of the frightful denizens that plague our heroes and, if possible, how to beat them in battle.

Cave Spyder

Come on folks, it’s a petpet. At least Kass let his grow a bit, these guys just sit there, spinning webs and spouting incomprehensible languages. Throw it in the cooking pot with a Cave Poppit and sell the result.

Miner Ghost

These guys aren’t allowed to haunt past 10 o’clock. Nor are they allowed to drive or buy…oh, miner ghost…

Dust Scarab

One strong wind and it blows away. Don’t get it wet, it might become the slightly muddy, sticky scarab.

Dust Guardian

“NO! It's my dust! Hands off!”

Sand Grundo

It’s a weaker version of the far cooler Mutant Sand Grundo, yet it gets its own overworld icon. Where’s the justice?

Mist Gelert

On a scale of scariness, these guys slot somewhere between Fog Gelert and Mild Breeze Gelert.

Snow Lupe

Watch out for the yellow ones. Also, don’t eat them off the ground, they could be muddy. Wait for the ones that fall from the sky, then you can stand outside with your mouth open and somehow manage to catch everything on your tongue but them.

Frozen Skeleton

It's frozen in place. Don’t melt its prison, and it won’t hurt you. It's not rocket science, people.

Ice Krawk

Anybody bring a hairdryer? What about a heater? If not, let one bite Mipsy, she’ll set the thing on fire eventually. Watch it though, the Puddle Krawk is still ferocious, if you don’t beat it quick enough, your toes will prune over.

Cliff Uni

Guess the sentence incorrectly a few times and it’ll be game over for this monster. Don’t believe me, find a Tuskaninny near a cliff and start guessing letters such as X and Q.

Jade Dervish

Y’know, polish it up and tie a string around it and you’ve got yourself a trinket to fetch a hefty price…

Rattlecobrall

Just walk away and leave it be, its probably more scared of you than you are of it. If not, I hear Samuel L. Jetsam specializes in removing these from the Desert Plains.

Sand Walker

Step one: Briskly jog away

Step two: For further encounters with these walkers, repeat step one.

Desert Patrolman

Tell them you saw somebody stealing office supplies on the other side of the desert. By the time they’ve called backup and gotten over there, you’ll be relaxing in the golden sun of the Haunted Woods.

Mutant Sand Grundo

Tell them of the Charles Xweetok Institute for Gifted Youngsters. By the time they’ve discovered that it's simply a school full of Shoyrus that call themselves “Cyclops,” you’ll be relaxing in the golden sun of the…oh, have I done that one already? Erm, you’ll be far, far away.

Rock Golem

Other variants can be found in the forms of the Jazz, Opera, Paper and Scissors Golems. Collect the full set now!

Desert Khonsu

Incredibly large, exposed eyes.

Incredibly large, sandy desert.

Incredibly large, sand-shifting foot.

Do the maths.

Desert Watcher

Don’t worry about these guys. If you don’t look like acres upon acres of endless sand, they won’t pay you much attention.

Desert Guardian

“NO! It's my desert! Hands off!”

Oh, have I already done that one already?

Oh, I’ve already done this one too?

Well…darn.

Dynastic Priest

Report them for discussing religion on Neopets. For more help, see the “Frozen Skeleton” information.

Siliclast

Silly clast, tricks are for kids!

Undead Shopkeeper

The only words you’ll ever need with these guys can be summed up with: “If you don’t leave me alone, you’ll have lost yourself a customer!”

Coltzan’s Ghost

Your hands glow blue as you yawn and walk away. You feel slightly richer by doing so.

Venomous Vine

It's rooted to the ground guys! Go around!

Pool of Pond Scum

If you need help avoiding a puddle of scummy water, you probably aren’t as intelligent as the aforementioned water. If you don’t happen to have a bucket of Chlorine on hand, simply put your jacket over it and let Talinia and Mipsy cross first like a true gentleman.

A Mucus Beast

Tissue?

Cloud of Fleas

Wear a flea collar. Better yet, carry insecticide. On a completely unrelated note, how is it that those guys can carry potions? Ants may be super strong…fleas are just super itchy.

Treasure Hunter

Bring Indiana’s lawyers with you: they’ll deal with these clowns.

Haunted Butler

Ask them for a vegetarian dish of caviar and a large shrimp dish. That’ll keep them busy for a while.

Heart of Nox

This villain is laughable. A simple slab of greasy, fatty food is enough to keep them away. If all else fails, murmur something near them, guaranteed to get them to rush off to the Doctor to have it inspected.

Nox Guardian

“NO! Its my Nox! Hands off!”

Oh, this joke is getting old incredibly fast? Yeah…yeah you’re probably right.

Hand of Nox

A hand that not only lacks opposable thumbs, but also fingers of any sort. I don’t think this’ll cause you too much grief.

The Esophagor

What significance does he have towards the Haunted Woods plot? Noooootttttthhhhhiiinnnngggg…

Cloudbeast

“And I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow you away…”

Corrupted Earth Faerie

ERROR: Earth Faerie Save File is corrupt.

The Faerie Thief

How’d she get that name? She break into Balthazar’s stash or something?

Bionic Cybunny

It's good to know that, whilst cars don’t exist in modern Neopia, robotic Cybunnies do.

Killer Moehog

As opposed to all those monsters simply trying to irritate you…

Chaos Nimmo

Don’t let these guys flap their wings, there’ll be hurricanes for weeks…

and finally...

Terask

If Fyora's the Queen...and the huge freakin' dragon is the King...ewwww...

the_dog_god is actually trapped in a simulation booth. None of this is real, and we’re probably all hurtling into the sun.

Nessa was offered a spot on the Olympic Editing Team in 2004, but turned it down to edit for Pink Ink.

If you have any comments or suggestions about this article you are more then welcome to PM the author.