The Art of Vegging

Written by: Moongewl

There are always times and places in which you wish your brain could wander right out of your skull and wander into another room. But the state known as "vegged out" can be hard to achieve if you've never been properly taught how to veg.

The most important thing to remember about vegging is this: choose your veg-time wisely. It's not a good idea to let your mind wander when you're taking a test or operating a chainsaw. The best time to completely end all brain activity is when you're in a class where the teacher is either lecturing in monotone about something that won't be on the test or telling the most boring story you've ever heard about the time he/she got lost on the way to the airport.

Assuming you find yourself in such a situation, you must prepare your mind and body before you become one with vegetation. Many a student has accidentally become narcoleptic after attempting to disengage from his or her surroundings without warming up properly first. So instead of going straight for Level Ten--Space Cadet Having An Out-Of-Body-Experience--you start out with a nice, relaxing move known as "sinking." You just sliiiiiiide your rear end forward in your chair, letting your upper half slump down. To your teacher, it should appear that you are melting in Wicked Witch fashion. (Advanced slackers who choose their seating wisely may combine this with the "lean" technique: you "sink" while simultaneously allowing a conveniently-placed wall to take your weight. This is a perfect move for days when even keeping your eyelids open is a trial.)

Now that your body is sufficiently relaxed, your mind must now be diverted from twittering on and on about peanut butter, or whatever ridiculous topic your particular brain chooses to fixate upon. A good beginner's diversion is "The View." Simply look out the window, and examine any relaxing objects in detail. Good objects include trees, slow-moving animals, people walking by, and clouds. Bad objects include car crashes, people having dramatic arguments, and very energetic animals such as squirrels or 6 year-olds. If there is no window, a good emergency backup diversion is "The Easy-Viewing Celebrity." Simply pick a celebrity whose face is pleasing but not particularly interesting to you--I often use Jake Gyllenhal--and call up their image in your mind. Then sigh, "Mmm, [name of celebrity]." (Be sure to do this mentally, unless your classmates already consider you bizarre.)

Now that you're warmed up and "in the zone," it's time to "zone out." This should be the point where you're almost slap-happy, where words like "zone" make you smile. Zone. Zzzzoooone. Zonnn-nuh. A crucial piece of advice: don't close your eyes. Someone will notice that you are not paying attention, and may use this time to play a terrible joke that may or may not involve an unwanted haircut. So keep your eyes open, but make sure to focus on dust specks in the air, and don't think about anything at all. When you catch yourself starting to think something, force your mind back to the dust specks. If your mind absolutely refuses to stop thinking, drown it out with "Pancreas" by Weird Al. That's easily the most lulling song ever, plus if you memorize it you'll learn a bit about the functions of the pancreas AND Newton's Theory of Universal Gravitation. What could be better?

Although you may not achieve a complete lack of conscious thought on your first try, you'll find it easy to let your mind drift off on the Seas of Boredom with a little practice. Once you've mastered zoning in class, you can apply it to other parts of your life. Soon, you'll discover that several hours have passed--while you were waiting in line, sitting quietly in the car, or robbing a convenience store--and you have absolutely no memory of them. Isn’t that a thrilling prospect?

NEXT TIME: How to effectively procrastinate! Well, probably not next time. Maybe the one after that, or possibly in a couple months. A year at the latest, I swear.

Moongewl's real name is Admiral Lord Shazbot the Fifth, and she leads an exciting life. She's broken thousands of hearts on Myspace with her 'DENY ALL FRIEND REQUESTS' policy, but somehow her overlord, Grand Master Peabody-Sherman, still loves her and ensures her continued survival.

Matterbug meant to edit this article, but seems to have dazed off.