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The Snow

Written by: Bangel


She found him sitting on a snow covered bench in the middle of the park nearby. She hadn't really been looking for him- he was just there, but she did not run away. She had come to this park to run away, at first. But standing there, watching him stare off into space, she couldn't move her legs. It must have been nothing less than a sign from a higher being to find him there. The urge to leave tugged at her spine, but she swallowed heavily and ignored it. He hadn't seen her yet. This alone gave her every reason to turn back, but she knew she couldn't. Not this time.


She approached from behind, pulling herself next to him on the bench. He did not acknowledge her at all, just kept staring straight ahead at the falling snow. She looked at his face straight on- there would be time for avoiding him later. She was sure she'd do it enough for the rest of her life. Not just avoiding from seeing him in person- but from the memories. The thought of what there could have been, what there used to be, what she lacked now. She could spend a lifetime harboring those thoughts. Now was not the time. Now she just needed one last, good look. At perfection. At happiness. At love; at him. The snow swirled around them like a cocoon, dousing their hair and eyelashes in gentle white powder. Neither had jackets. Neither shivered. The boy spoke first.


"It's over, isn't it?" He asked, still looking straight ahead. She gave no answer. He already knew. For he was in a war with his own thoughts- he knew this day was all his fault. He knew that he had lost the one thing he had never planned to lose. And it was his fault. If he would have just-- God, it was too hard to think that things could have been so much easier for him if he hadn't done this thing to her. She was his everything. She really, truly was. And he had let go of her. For what? A whiff of another girl's perfume... to feel that closeness as he leaned in to kiss the lips of someone else? One moment of achieving the unattainable had led him to what felt like a lifetime of more unattainable things. He opened his mouth to say that he was sorry, but closed it again. It would mean nothing to her. He would mean nothing to her. That alone felt worth dying for.


She didn't see the details of the thoughts in his mind, echoing through the choked expression in his eyes. She didn't see his remorse- she saw his regret, yes, but not his remorse. There was a subtle difference, she had noticed. He just looked as if he was lost in a fantasy... dreaming, dreaming that things had gone differently. The romanticism of the soft, steady snow was the only thing keeping him from the cold reality of the truth. She bit her lip tightly, wanting to force the truth on him. To scream out to him about what he had done to her; what he had made her feel. How he had taken away so much. And she could never get it back. But she did not scream. As with running away and avoiding, she would have plenty of time to scream. Now, it was silence. It had to be silence. Or she would never get over this moment.


He tried to be calm. He watched the snow come down, flake by flake, hoping that if it just kept falling, things wouldn't have to change. If it just kept falling, kept being beautiful, then maybe she'd see it, too. And realize how he really felt. Because he loved her, he did, and he had never said it aloud, but meant it, and he had for a long time. But it was too late. And all that separated the happiness and the wonderfulness of being with her was the soft snow, the only sign of true infinity left in his little broken world. As long as it kept falling, he prayed, she would still be his. She would still be his.


But it soon would stop, as all good things must eventually come to an end. The boy made no more sound, and the girl had never spoken in the first place. They both watched the snow fall lighten, a little at a time. Minutes passed and turned into hours. She looked down at her legs, almost blending in with the bench under the white blanket of weather. She reached her hand to her hair, stroking it back ever so quietly, feeling the snow seep in a bit deeper. It was then that she realized how cold she really was. And she leaned into him, and sighed. She could regret this later.


He felt her against his shoulder, her coldness touching his own. It didn't warm him as he thought it might. As it would have in the past. It was just cold. He felt his fist clench against his side. Why wasn't this helping? Why did it still hurt? Why was it still all his fault? And why couldn't she speak a single word to him?


He didn't understand until he looked up. The last flake fell quietly from the sky to the ground, and the snow stopped. And that was why she couldn't warm him anymore. Why he still felt horrible. Why things wouldn't be okay for a long time.


Because it was over.


She felt him slip away as he stood up. Parts of her told her instantly to reach out, to bring him back to her, but she remained still. She knew she could never forgive him for what he had done. She knew things could never be the same as they were two nights ago. And she knew that bringing him back to her would do nothing. And despite all of that, she hoped he wasn't hurting like she was. She couldn't bare the thought of it. And yet she knew he was. There was nothing she could do, no matter how much her brain told her that he deserved pain. Deserved pain for the rest of his life. But she just shook her head at that notion. No one deserved pain like that. Not him. Not her. No one.


The frost began to grip her fingers and toes, numbing her from the inside out. A cold wind struck up as the sun began to fall behind the freezing white hills of the park. And yet she remained, until the very last lonely pedestrian had left in disgust of the weather, and she was alone. Only the darkening sky and the blinding white that had become the ground could watch her now. He was long gone. She stared at his footprints in the snow. Her eyes stayed transfixed on them for a long time, until she finally noticed them disappearing ever so slightly. They had begun to fill up.


With new snow.


And with that, she allowed herself to run away and cry.