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Chatspeak 107

Written by: Pudding

Hello class! I’m Professor Internet, head of the Department of Minutiae here at Pink Ink University. Now, this is Chatspeak 107, so if anyone’s looking for Economics 204, that’s been moved down the hall. Chatspeak 101 was a required prerequisite, so I’m assuming that you know about such basic and useful acronyms as LOL, GF, and ROFL.

Down to business, then. Chatspeak is the mystical language of the younger generation. They, knowing that we oldsters can’t possibly comprehend acronyms, use their powers to start international cartels for the transport of cookie dough. This is the direct cause of the obesity epidemic. Also, all of those raw eggs in the dough must be spreading E. Coli. I’m just saying.

Now, we will proceed, as all college-level classes do, into a list of everything I intend to teach this semester. The rest of the time you can just practice your chatspeaking skills at home while I collect pay and earn tenure for teaching you.

TGIOTW: The gerbil is on the wheel.

This means that power outages are unlikely to be an issue during the course of the conversation. Many tech-savvy youth on the internets use small mammals to power generators for their computers. Green is in!

ILCC: I like chocolate candies.

ILCC is an acronym used to illustrate the fact that the writer is exactly like everyone else on the internet, except for those lame weirdos who can’t eat chocolate. Its wide use is a testament to the power of conformity and teamwork! Whoo! ILCC!

TOASTR: Turn on a stereo—tootsie roll!

This is a request to get the music pumping and the candy flowing. As people chatting online are generally in different rooms from each other, it’s a rather perplexing request. Yet, most of the chatters who get TOASTR’d, as they say, do so.

F C/P/A?: Favorite color/pet/animal?

OR: Festus, will you be my certified public accountant?

This request is particularly insidious. One should simply not be asking what someone’s favorite color is in a chatroom (it's rude), and people named Festus are rarely qualified to do others’ taxes. If you are tempted to ask, just go find Miss Kitty—-she’s good at bookkeeping.

MMIR: My mascara is running.

Acronyms like MMIR are often used among the "gothic" and "emo" subcultures to indicate how much they cry. Tears are a sign of power and awesomeness to these kids or something. No, I don’t get it, and I'm not willing to research it. I'm a professor!

YGIA: Your grammar is atrocious.

Many of today's youths disapprove of the mangling of the language. However, they realize that if they try to correct someone’s grammar, they will inevitably wind up spelling it as "grammer" [sic] or make some other obvious error. This is one of the laws of the internet.

SAMMITCH: Super Angela’s monkey music is totally chill, homie.

Super Angela is an imaginary rock star who creates imaginary music using imaginary monkeys at imaginary keyboards. It’s highly theoretical and controversial, though only well-known among really pretentious teens who like to use outdated slang in acronyms.

MCIOTK: My cat is on the keyboard.

This serves as a general warning that anything the chatter is about to say really comes from the cat. Usually, the cat types something about taking over the computer until its demands for more tuna or catnip are met. All cats on the internet have typing skills exactly equal to those of their owners. In real life, the average cat types only about as well as a bag of rocks dropped on a keyboard or a typical chatspeaker. The discrepancy between cats in reality and cats online is one of the central mysteries of Internetology.

POS: Parent over shoulder.

OR: Parrot on shoulder.

If you are watching your child type this, it’s probably the former usage. If you’re reading your child’s chat logs secretly after the fact, it’s probably the latter. If so, I must regretfully inform you that your child is a pirate. Please seek professional help from the Navy of your country.

ATPYIMH: Ack! There’s peach yogurt in my hair!

Someone is a sloppy eater and wishes to inform everyone of that. Many people on the internet over-share. I don’t know what there is to be done about it.

In conclusion, it is vital for adults to learn these acronyms so that they can understand what these kids today are talking about. The chatspeakers of today are the leaders of tomorrow. If you have any questions, I don’t care. Class dismissed!