Flashback: The Guide to Absolutely Nothing
Written by: Pudding
So the PI staff has been digging through the vaults... vaults of Google, that is. We managed to find the old PI, back before we had our first major forum crash. Since the archives made the images dead and ugly, but the text was saved, we've decided to republish instead. So here's an article you perhaps might remember- or if you're a newbie to PI, here's a taste of the past for you. Just one of the things we managed to salvage out (and there isn't much!). :)
(You might even remember some old PPT members too!)
At the moment, I'm at home, tending to an injury that I got by walking into a door, as well as a pretty evil cold that won't go away. I run into doors several times every day, but this is the first time I've gotten anything worse than a bonked nose and several broken toes. So, I must do nothing...but it's really, really hard! I can't stand sitting here doing nothing! I... must... accomplish... something...
Thus, I'm writing this article on how to do absolutely nothing. That's accomplishing something. Remember, those who can't, teach. So, may I now present... Pudding's Guide to Absolutely Nothing!
Step 1—Eat a cookie. Sure, that's doing something, but it's fun, and it requires little work, and you're not really accomplishing anything, unless, on an off chance, you're actually hungry. This will prepare you for the rigors of doing nothing. If you still don't feel ready to do nothing, give me the rest of the cookies. This is particularly effective if they are vegan chocolate chunk cookies still warm from the oven.
Step 2—Sit on the couch. Again, this is doing something, but doing nothing is much more fun if you're sitting on a comfy couch. It should be a soft, squishy couch. Those evil formal ones will never do. You have to sit properly in those. In order to be one of the mediocres at doing nothing, you must slump properly. Bend your back in a way that will make your chiropractor cry. If you need help, I have a chiropractor that I can bring by. He cries quite easily at these things.
Step 3—Relax all your muscles until you're a blob with muscles like pudding. No, not me, I mean the food product. You know you're doing it right when you can feel your muscles disintegrate. If you become a liquid, you will soon be on your way to the World Championships of Doing Nothing.
Step 4—Get your eyes out of focus, and your jaw slack. Extra points if you drool. Stare blankly at the wall, but make sure you can't see it clearly. Make sure the wall has no art, and is a boring color. Off-white tends to be best for beginners.
Step 5—Sit there until someone lets you move. If this lasts for more than 10 hours, begin carrying on conversations with yourself. After 20 hours, start speaking in limericks. After 30 hours, someone usually comes by and calls the men in white coats to take you to one of the best places to do nothing! Even the walls are squishy there!
Step 6—Go write an article about it because you need to get something into PI this week or Cae will turn you into a poptart. (Optional)
It's very difficult, but with a little practice, you too can be a master at doing absolutely nothing! By the way... send... anything! I need to accomplish something!