Rock, Paper, Scissors

[unspecialfish]

Cigarettes will kill Hatchetface. (I really love that you referenced Crybaby in this thread.)

[Siniri]

The "Teddy Bear" smacks a nationwide ban on smoking in public places, including pubs and restaurants (despite the fact that in 2000, they didn't even have non-smoking sections in many places):

[unspecialfish]

I don't know if you got the memo, but I live in America. So I can smoke wherever I want!

[Siniri]

America has been renamed "Turtle Island" to show respect to its natives rather than a foreign invader:

[Plastic Ninja]

i turn your "turtle Island" into soup.

[Siniri]

I turned your soup into a song. A mighty mighty boosh song, no less:

[Blue]

I put your soup into this here football player:

[Siniri]

Soup was already beaten by a song, but that doesn't matter because your "football" player has lost its name to the rest of the world's football (i.e. soccer):

[Blue]

...well, I believe he was humming "Mmm, mmm, good" or something

I take your "football", and turn it into a hat:

[Regan]

I'll take your orangutan and turn it, and other lovable animals, into animal costumes for children.

[Siniri]

Jack Skellington stole Christmas and made the children cry:

[Blue]

Just a bit 'o lye and bye bye Jack.

[Siniri]

I neutralized your NaOH with some hydrochloric acid:

(Sorry, I just couldn't resist as a chemistry graduate.)

[Blue]

Bah. Here's a bunch of water (H2O to you) to dissolve your darned salt:

[Regan]

Annie Edson Taylor and her barrel know that your little waterfall is merely child's play: